A)
Sell a kidney.
B)
Sell both kidneys.
C)
Sell your penis. If you are female, pick that
one guy friend that, although you consider him to be a ‘friend’, you realise
you don’t actually like, and sell his penis.
Note – To sell your/a penis, cutting it off will of course
be required. Although this sounds like a rather daunting task, Unhelpful Teen
is of course here to help. So, reader, there are several ways to accomplish
your penis-cutting task. First of all, ensure you take a legit anesthetic to
ease the horrendous, crippling, hellish pain such as vodka and coke. Due to the
vodka and coke’s amazing potential as an anesthetic, it was been
scientifically proven that a house party is the best place to chop your dick
off. However, it is worth noting that if the vodka is mixed with any soft drink
other than coke, your dick, when chopped off, will evolve into a snake and
swallow your testicles, before slithering away and emigrating to Australia. I
should know, my dick regularly sends me postcards and recently visited the
Sydney Opera House.
But now that I've managed to plug Coke into this article and
received my £50,000 from the Coco-Cola Company (thanks, lads!) it’s time to
move swiftly on to how you’re actually going to chop your/a dick off. The most
effective methods, in no particular order, are falling over and landing crotch
first on a pair of scissors, streaking in a scissors factory, getting molested
by Edward Scissorhands, playing with scissors, running with scissors,
masturbating with scissors, and doing f*cking anything with scissors. Also
dipping your dick into acid would probably work too.
D)
Get paid by a large business, such as the
Coca-Cola Company, to promote their products on the internet.
E)
Steal and sell a juicer, because nobody will
notice that it’s gone.
F)
Sue yourself.
G)
Write a book about how to get rich quick. Don’t
worry, you can use this list in your book, I won’t sue you.
H)
Sue others for plagiarism.
I)
Get addicted to gambling. #yolo
J)
Sell your cow for three magic beans. Then slap
yourself for being a knob.
K)
Break bad, cook some crystal meth.
L)
Hey, I heard you can make money from blogging.
But how popular does your blog need to be, you ask? Rough estimates place the
figure at approximately 100000000000x more popular than Unhelpful Teen. (but
hey, it’s not all bad. At the time of writing, and probably for a long time to
come, Unhelpful Teen has 11 followers. If we all stood in an elevator it would
be packed. So there’s that.)
N)
Sell your parents, because who needs those
assholes.
O)
Sue your parents, because apparently you ‘can’t
sell them’ and you’re an ‘ungrateful bastard’. Pfft. Whatever.
P)
Go all Slumdog Millionaire on us.
Q)
Become a supervillain and make people pay you to
stop your acts of evilness. But what sort of acts of evilness do I have in
mind, I hear you ask. Well first of all, stop asking questions because I’m
already exhausted and we’re only at Q. But just because I’m a straight up good
guy, I’ll give you a few examples. Keep in mind though, I will sue you if you
use any of these.
Some examples are:
inventing a new vegetable, changing the Internet Explorer icon on your
family computer to Chrome, chewing on other people’s pens, paying for your
meals out with pennies, tying jingle bells to your clothes and shoes, accusing
everybody of being gay when they clearly aren't, accusing your friends of
selling meth while standing next to a policeman/woman and not finishing your
sent
R)
Girls, you could always just use your status as
a woman on the internet to your advantage. Get really close with some dude you
met in a chatroom. Talk to him for a couple of months, tell him you love him,
have phone sex, whatever. By the end of this ordeal if you need money to buy
crap, just ask him and I’m 69% sure he will give you the money. Even if you aren't
a girl, you could always just pretend. Haven’t you ever seen the TV show
‘Catfish’? You can fool a lot of people over the internet just with your use of
language, for instance:
Normal Person: I am currently reading
Unhelpful Teen. It is very amusing. I should became a follower. Giraffes are my
fourth favourite animal.
Txt Spk Teen: readin unhpful teen. vry
amusing. Shld become follower. Giraffes r my 4th fav animal.
Did-you-ever-go-to-school-or-were-you-just-dropped-on-your-head-as-a-child
Person: i am curantly reedIng unhellful ten. Itt is verry emusinng. i shud
beecum A folleye’r. gerafes err my foureth favrite aneMall!!!!!1
Look-Guys-I-Can-Use-A-Thesaurus Person:
Presently, I am scrutinising Discourteous Adolescent. It is profoundly jocular.
Yours truly is compelled to metamorphose into an advocate. Hoofed animals with
elongated napes are my fourth most revered beast.
Permanently-On-Period Person: I AM
CURRENTLY READING UNHELPFUL TEEN. I F------ HATE IT.
So-Immature-They’re-Probably-Still-In-The-Womb
Person: I AM CuRReNtlY reAdInG UnHeLpfUL TeEN LOL!!!1 @@@@@@@@@@@ poo!!!!111
%*(£$&%*( @@@
Has-No-Idea-What-They’re-Doing Person:
Microwaves are my favourite flavour of African monkey.
Definitely-A-Real-Person Bot: I am currently reading Unhelpful Teen.
For more unhelpful youngsters, visit www.virusesforgullibepeople.com
Stalker: I am currently reading Unhelpful
Teen. It is very amusing. Almost as amusing as the view into your bedroom
window last night. *wink*
90%-Of-14-Year-Old-Girls: JUUUUSSSSSTTTTIIIIINNNN
BBBBIIIIEEEEEBBBBBBBEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S)
You could go gold-digging. By this I mean you
could marry somebody rich and inherit some of their cash. However the process
of getting somebody to like you enough to marry you can be long and difficult.
Often guys fall at one of the first hurdles - impressing a girl enough to go on
a first date. But never fear, like a doctor or erection, Unhelpful Teen is once
again here to help. There are numerous ways to impress a girl, and it feels
weird talking about this considering my audience is 99.9% female. But I’m
talking to the 0.1% now – here’s some tips on how to impress woman.
You could, for example, use super long
words to impress her, like ‘whore.’ At 5 letters, that’s a pretty long word. If
we were playing Scrabble, I would probably be winning the game. And remember –
if she asks you if you think she’s fat, say yes. She will be impressed by your
honesty. But you must never, ever hold her hand for extended periods of time.
This has been proven to cause arthritis, hair loss and eventual infertility.
(And not the soppy kind of infertility either – this is the MANLY way to become
infertile, where your penis, unable to cope with the pressure of a woman
holding your hand, will explode.) If she does take your hand, show off by
squeezing it so hard she either bursts into tears or her hand falls off. Take
it from me – ripping girl’s limbs off is the best way to display your Chuck
Norris style manliness.
T)
You could win the lottery. Interestingly enough,
a four-year long University of Cambridge study, which concluded and was
published in 2011, mathematically proved (using lots of complicated algebra and
formulae) that winning the lottery is slightly more likely than Unhelpful Teen
ever having more than 11 followers.
U)
Become a football/soccer player, and fake an
injury every game so you don’t ever actually have to play and show the world
what a poor player you are.
V)
Get people to pay you to perform David Blaine
style acts of human versatility, such as being locked in a glass cube and not
eating for a week. Or, maybe start simpler – you could try to not laugh in
funny situations, such as watching a cat run into a glass door on television.
Speaking of laughing, where do you reckon
the worst places to laugh are? At a funeral? Maths class? Mental status
examination? While being circumcised? While snorting fire ants? During Martin
Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech? While looking at somebody’s face? During
the National Anthem? After you realise the Matrix is real and your whole life
has been an illusion? When your parents finally tell you how babies are made?
While donating your kidneys to fuel your cocaine addiction? After your entire
family has been eaten by a giant carnivorous squirrel?
W)
Get a job, asshole.
X)
Hey did you know, I was recently rejected for a
job at McDonald’s because ‘the shift pattern didn’t fit in with my requirement’
(or something to that effect). I’m taking that to mean that I’m over-qualified
(right? Right? RIGHT?). Well, screw you McDonald’s. I’m lovin’ it. I’M LOVIN
NOT WORKIN’ FOR YOU.
Y)
If all else fails, you could always write a successful novel and become a world famous
author. I personally have an excellent idea for a future novel, which will be
called ‘Train of Thought’. It will be about the stream of consciousness (or
train of thought) which goes through my mind (and others, such as animals)
while doing various things. Because I’m a straight-up good guy, here’s a short
extract which I’ve been working on for a few months now (I definitely didn’t just write it now):
Revising for exams
“Uhhhhhhhhhhh I’m hungry. Wonder
what’s in the fridge.”
Lying in bed at night
“I don’t need to pee… I don’t
need to pee… I don’t need to pee…. I need to pee.”
Waking up in the morning
“MY EYES! MY EYES! MY
EYYYYYEEEESSSSS!”
Being a dog
“Walkies! Walkies! Walkies!
Walkies! Sausages! Walkies! Walkies!”
Being a cat
“F*ck people.”
I think I’m on to a hit with this
novel.
Z)
And if you really can’t make money and get rich
quick, remember: money can’t buy
happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and that’s pretty much the same thing.
h Leave a comment please! The more comments I get, the more I feed my pet rock, Barney. And he's a hungry little guy.
Thanks Karissa for the Sunshine award, appreciate it! I’ll
have your questions answered shortly (hopefully).
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