Hello there, random internet user! This blog is hopefully
(if I don’t get bored after the first post) going to focus on life tips for
teenagers, written by a teenager. The following tips may or may not be totally
life-ruining and cause you to self-combust or melt into a pool of liquefied
person. Okay, that’s a little dark. Here’s twenty three four reasons why
you should read this blog:
1)
If this blog had a smell, it would smell like
freshly cut grass and also unicorns.
2)
Cats. I’m a cat person.
3)
There is no fourth reason.
1) Please, don’t be annoying on Facebook
So either Facebook makes me angry or I’m just an angry
person. Or mayyyybe, I have a horrific monster living inside of me which is
only awakened by poor grammar and duck faces. Hmm, well if I write any more of
this post in all capital letters then you’ll know the demon inside of me has
been released.
A)
WHY THE HECK ARE YOU POSTING VAGUE AND
DEPRESSING STATUS UPDATES!?! If you want your self-esteem raised just message
your best friend or something. Don’t be all like, “Today I took a shower. The
flowing water did nothing to rinse away the emotional scars which now
constantly pain me after what happened last week.” And then you’re not going to
say what happened last week?!? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! Did your boyfriend
leave you?!? Did your mole rat die?!? Did your last status only get 46 likes!?!
THE HORROR!
Find out all of this and more in next week’s exciting
episode of: Annoying Facebook Girl
B)
Unnecessary name changes. Pleased to meet you Sarah
‘Sparkles’ Smith.
C)
By the way, the ‘hand on hip and photo taken
from the side’ trick? Yes, people know this makes you look slimmer. Keep doing
it if you want, it just looks a little… insecure.
D)
Please stop liking spam posts which are
obviously fake. Bill Gates is not going to pay you 5000 (insert your country’s
currency here) if you share this post. If it looks too good to be true, then it
probably is.
E)
PLEASE DON’T POST IN ALL CAPS. THANK YOU.
F)
Oh, you’ve been dating your new boyfriend for
two days? Well, of course you’re now
madly in love. Yes, I would love for
my newsfeed to be plagued with your sappy “omg Mark just made me a cup of
coffee he’s just the sweetest boy ever we’ll be together for ever how
thoughtful is he you know all men could learn something from him yesterday he
even paused his game of call of duty so we could make awkward small talk and
realise we have little in common cuddle and talk about whether to name our
first child Mark Junior, Bubbles or Fairy Dust.” And then of course I would
just love to be tortured further for
the next two months because now you understand that ‘all men are the
same’(quick note –You cannot generalise half of the world’s population).
G)
Bobby John just sent you a game request. Jimmy
Piddle just sent you a game request. Willy Billy just sent you a game request…
2) How to cure boredom
You. You’re reading this. You’re probably bored. Let’s get
to work.
B)
Start a blog.
C)
Have a water gun fight. If you’re alone,
simulate the fight by taking a shower.
D)
Go streaking Bake
muffins
F)
Play a game of “Who will Taylor Swift write a
song about next?”
G)
QUICK! DON’T THINK ABOUT PENGUINS!
H)
Try and solve a Rubik’s cube. Get angry. Create
cube-shaped hole in window.
I)
Do something rebellious. Like playing
with your food. Oooh.
3) How to spot a vampire
So let’s say you have a friend. His name is Bob. You think
Bob may be a vampire. This is a perfectly reasonable suspicion; after all 45%
of your friends are likely vampires. (Note – 80% of statistics are made up on
the spot.)
A)
Fangs – an obvious sign. If Bob has these babies
you might as well get the stake and holy water out right away. But there’s a
problem – how will you catch a glimpse of Bob’s fangs?
Some suggestions for the uncreative:
-
Tell Bob a funny joke so he opens his mouth wide
enough. (Don’t offend Bob though. If you tell him his mother is overweight in a
comedic fashion, he may consume you for disrespecting his family.)
-
Tell Bob some shocking news. If you happen to be
Bob’s daughter you could tell him you’re pregnant and the father is your
psychopathic ex-boyfriend who went to prison for murdering someone with a rake.
Alternatively, if Bob is simply a good friend, casually mention in conversation
that you’re pursuing a career as a vampire slayer.
-
Train to become a dentist, and then get Bob as a
client. (Hey, I didn’t say this would be easy.)
B)
Extremely pale skin. If Bob always looks like he’s just seen a ghost, then chances are he’s a
vampire. (Beware though – Bob may just play a lot of World of Warcraft.)
C)
Sparkles in sunlight No. This is not Twilight.
D)
Longevity. Was Bob present at your birth and
still looks exactly the same? Does he get a little nostalgic about the dinosaur
age? Does he claim Julius Caesar was “like, totally my best buddy”? If so, Bob is either a vampire or well, just a
big fat liar.
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