If you haven’t heard of the Hunger Games, it’s basically a
book series (only the first two are good, the third is a bit of a snooze)
featuring a large arena where small children who can still remember what the
inside of their mother’s womb looks like are suddenly expected to like, totally
just kill each other. It sounds horribly illegal, but the whole thing is
controlled by “The Capitol” (the government of the region) who are either all pedophiles with really weird fetishes or just enjoy watching people being
brutally murdered. Oh, and the whole thing is shown on TV, as if that makes it any less weird.
So while reading/watching (did I mention there’s a film?) I couldn't help wonder how I would fare in the arena. And then I laughed, because
I would probably be that one guy who
trips over his shoelace and ends up killing himself.
But then I thought again – what if I wasn't wearing
shoe-laces? What would be the best way to win the Hunger Games?
You will need a special skill, something that defines you,
like your ability to use a bow or growl in a menacing way. This is how the
sponsors will identify you – because there are, indeed, sponsors who drop
supplies from the sky, probably in an attempt to give you a head concussion and
get the whole thing over and done with quicker. If you’re boring and hide in a
tree for three weeks you’ll probably get a bag of bricks landing on your head.
Being likable is just as important as killing the kids, wow that sounds
slightly disturbing.
You can also make sponsors like you more by having an amusing
quirk, like:
-
Break
into song whenever you kill someone
-
Get
naked, because the Capitol likes your sexy ass
-
Sit
in the corner of the arena, crying and eating ice-cream
-
Get
a black marker and draw yourself a six-pack to wow the ladies over, by rubbing yourself
in oil and lifting weights in front of the cameras
As soon as you enter the arena you will be faced with a
choice – do you run to the nearby “Cornucopia” (basically a structure housing
supplies) or run like hell and get away from the other kids, who are fully
qualified ninjas? Your decision really depends on how confident and ninjary (I
just invented a word) everybody else is.
If you notice
everybody else is a scrawny five year old who is crying and sucking their
thumb, and there is a distinct lack of tall hooded gentlemen carrying samurai
swords, then go to the bloody Cornucopia because nobody else will. You’ll have
all the supplies to yourself and there’s probably like, tanks and fighter jets
in there. (If you find any nuclear bombs just remember you aren't going to
detonate that and also survive.)
Finding an ally is going to help a lot. Try and be the kind
of guy that smiles and nods at their friend across the room when the teacher
announces you have to find a partner for a group project. It’ll really be the
same here, and since your ally is your friend there’s the added benefit of
knowing they’re not secretly a murderous psychopath who going’s to cut you open
and feast on your organs. Don’t get too comfy with their presence though – soon
enough, it will be time to kill them. Don’t let them get to you first though –
keep your relationship strong by saying “Oh, we’re such good friends” every five
minutes and maybe even ask if they want to go the cinema when this is all over.
So yes,
about killing. I’m going to avoid going into too much detail in this to avoid
looking like a homicidal maniac, but if you’re planning on surviving chances are
murder will be on the agenda at some point. You could go full on Hunger Games
style and totally just drop a killer
bees nest on your opponent and hope the bees don’t attack that guy who just
destroyed their home. Although I recommend not being a complete idiot and
adopting a different strategy:
- Maybe if
the sponsors like you enough they’ll drop a piano on your opponent’s head.
- If you’re
attempting to kill your ally, ‘accidentally’ trip and stab them in the back. Then
wink at the camera and say, “Well, that escalated quickly.” You will be loved.
- Point at
some (poisonous) berries and tell your ally they look very tasty.
- If you’re
a girl, just flirt with all the boys and promise them a good time if they bring
you food, water, and dead corpses.
- MANDATORY
JUSTIN BIEBER JOKE – Just sing a Justin Bieber song and everyone will kill
themselves. (sorry)
So for the
sake of simplicity I’ll assume when the first night rolls around any allies you
had are now dead and in ditches. (And you should have taken their stuff too
because FREE FOOD.) Your best chance of sleep (I wouldn’t count on getting your
eight hours though) is to crawl up a tree and die rest safely. Avoid smoky
fires which are basically an advertisement of your whereabouts. Go to bed well
fed – you’re in for a long night, because those monsters you thought were under
your bed as a kid are totally real this time, and they have spears, bows, and a
burning desire for free food.
How would you win the Hunger Games?
18 July 2013 at 17:23
Win the Capitol over by looking super happy whenever you kill someone. They'll probably think you're a psychopath without a conscience who definitely has a ruthless chance at survival. Also, you could sing "I'm Sexy and I know it" to show your confidence!
19 July 2013 at 10:11
Haha, awesome ideas!