23) How to wake somebody up

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        A) Sit on their face.

B) Fart on their face.

C) S**t on their face.

D) Ejaculate on their face.

E) Hire an orchestra to play in their bedroom.

F) Tie a finish line around their door, and shout "Go!" as you fire a starter pistol. (Pro tip - do not aim the pistol at them.) 

G) Get into bed with them and start nibbling on their ear.

H) Scream "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" in their face.

I) Duct tape ten alarm clocks to the ceiling, all going off at the same time, and set to play Miley Cyrus's "We Can't Stop."

J) Sandpaper their face.

K) Hire a fat guy to lie on top of them. 

L) Shine a bright light in their face and scream, "TRAIN!"

M) Become their mattress. 

N) Murder their family with a meat cleaver, then leave it in their hand. Wake them up by screaming, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?"

O) Put a crab on their face.

P) Taser them.

Q) Take their clothes off and move them so they wake up in your bed, with you stroking your face.

R) Attempt to flip the mattress off the bed. (a.k.a strength test)

S) Set them on fire using several bottles of gasoline and a lighter. If they still aren't moving after several minutes of this, and most of their face has melted away, then unfortunately they are dead. And it might be all your fault.

T) If the sleepyhead is your pregnant wife, tell her if she doesn't get up within 5 minutes you're taking her to the abortion clinic.

U) Spray them with a fire extinguisher. This could be combined with S) if your sleeping partner/friend is starting to smell like melting human.

V) If you are female and your target is your male partner, wake them up in the middle of the night with a pair of scissors at their testicles screaming that they've been cheating on you and know all about it. (legal note - affair does not have to be real.) 

W) Inform them that the zombie apocalypse has arrived, by dressing up as an undead and jumping on top of them.

X) Take a selfie with them while they're sleeping, then email it to them. 

Y) Start a chainsaw while standing next to them (they'll wake up at this point) and tell them you're there to "saw their wood."

Z) Wake them up by vigorously shaking them and crying of happiness while saying over and over, "I never thought you would survive the operation..." Then they look down and their legs are gone and are lying in a bloody bag at the end of the bed. Yeah, that's pretty creepy. 

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22) How to be weird in a public restroom

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Note – this post is aimed mainly for men, but girls can enjoy suffer through it too!

           A)     Attempt to sell your penis.

         B)      Knock on stall doors. When the person inside opens it, pretend to be a door to door salesman. (selling your penis.)

            C)      Kick in stall doors, with a camera in your hand, while licking your lips, while fondling your nipples.

            D)     Change all rolls of toilet paper into rolls of sand paper.

             E)      Loudly complain to yourself about the size of your penis.

           F)      In a stall, rub melted chocolate around your mouth. Act ashamed when you come out. If anybody tries to talk to you mutter, “Bad habit I know… just… smells so good…”

             G)     Attempt to crawl into an (occupied) stall next to the one you’re in. When the person inside sees you scream, “PEAK-A-BOO!”

             H)     Leave a brick in the toilet.

              I)        Turn the lights in the restroom off while stalls are occupied.

              J)       Pour a bucket of manure over an occupied stall. Say “Oops, I missed.”
   
              K)      Pee on somebody’s leg. Claim that it is raining.

               L)       Call the phone sex line while standing at a urinal.

               M)   Come up behind somebody using a urinal and cover their eyes with toilet paper.

              N)     Hang a sign up on a stall which says “*your name here*’s SuPeR SEcReT sEx DuNGeoN.” Show random people the sign and ask if they would like to join you inside.

             O)     Use a stopwatch to time how long people take in the restroom. Cheer everybody on and give an “Efficient Pooper” medal to anyone who is in and out within 4 minutes.

                P)      Leave a doll and red food colouring in a toilet. Leave the restroom as fast as you can.

                Q)     Dry your penis with a hand dryer.

               R)      For a few minutes watch people washing their hands with an amused look your face. Then say “Ha. Toilets are so mainstream.” Proceed to pee in the sink.

              S)      Perform a random drug test using samples of everybody’s urine. (that you have forced off of them.)

               T)      Brush your teeth, and spit in the sink while somebody is using it to wash their hands. (Try and get some toothpaste on their hands.)

               U)     Pretend to be a lifeguard, and claim you have to follow everybody into the stalls to ensure they don’t fall in.

                 V)     Start a penis measuring service.

               W)   While at a urinal tell the guy next to you that, “This is the best part about being gay.”

               X)      Smear chocolate onto a fork, and then leave it on the back of the toilet.

                Y)      Fill soap dispensers with maple syrup.

                 Z)      Add some excitement to the toilet-going experience by leaving piranhas in the toilets.

Also: 10 of the weirdest things to be overheard saying in a toilet stall!

                  1)      Huh. It isn't usually that colour.

                   2)      Is… is it alive?

                   3)      Haha. It looks like chocolate covered raisins. Doesn't taste like it though.

                   4)      Dammit, my penis fell off again. Really need to get that checked out.

                   5)      These aquariums are just not worth the money.

                   6)      So I think it just inverted and went inside of me. I guess that’s normal.

                    7)      Hello, last night’s dinner!

                     8)      Now how did that get inside of me?

                      9)      Oh man, I missed. I always miss.

                       10)   IT BURNS! IT BURNS! ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

                     
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21) How to order pizza

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          A)     Force the order taker to tell you, in detail, what they are wearing.

         B)      Ask how many kittens were killed in the making of the pizza.

         C)      Attempt to order a slice of pizza.

          D)     Ask to see a menu.

           E)      Attempt to rent a pizza.

          F)      After they start talking, act confused and say “Oh sorry, I meant to call the phone-sex line. Goodbye.”

              G)     Say every word in a different accent.

            H)     Do not use the word “pizza” during the entire conversation. If your order taker uses the word, scream and hang up.

            I)        Ask the order-taker if they are on their period, as they sound particularly angry. (Especially effective when they are male.)

             J)       Put them on hold.

             K)      Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Force them to cheer you up.

              L)       Complain that the last pizza you ordered didn't have any crust on the top.

             M)   When the order taker tells you the price, start crying and hang up.

             N)     Ask for your pizza to be shaken, not stirred.

             O)     Ask if the pizza has had its rabies shot.

           P)      Communicate your preferred toppings through the use of anagrams, to test the order-takers problem-solving skills.

             Q)     At the start of the conversation tell the order taker that you have a competitor on the other line (think Dominos vs. Pizza Hut) and that you will buy from whoever gives you the lowest price.

               R)      Ask if “another pizza” is an appropriate topping.

               S)      Ask them to deliver the pizza under a bridge in any shady area of your neighborhood.

              T)      After you've given the order taker your address, casually mention that this might be the address of your sex dungeon. And that you’re looking forward to their visit.

            U)     Call Dominos pretending to be a drunk Pizza Hut manager. Act as aggressive and intoxicated as anybody surely can over the phone. “Come at me, bro”, “Get back to your own parts” and “I will murder your family” should be expressions used often.

           V)     Tell the order taker that in order to have the honor of taking your order they have to pass a short test. The only question is, “Who invented pizza?”

             W)   When they repeat your order say, “Try again, with a little more feeling this time.”

              X)      Ask the order-taker to sculpt your pizza into the face of Harry Styles.

              Y)      Attempt to order diet water.


              Z)      Ask if the pizza guy could “pick me up some tampons while you’re at it.” (Extra points if you’re a guy.) 

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20) How to be even weirder in an elevator/lift

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            Read the original post here!


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       A)     Get into a crowded elevator and say “Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!”

      B)      Clean your gun.

      C)      Make sure the elevator is empty. When somebody gets on, say in a deep voice “Welcome to my sex dungeon. We’re going to have a lot of fun together.”

      D)     Play “I've got your nose” with the other passengers.

      E)      Tell everyone that gets on that you are their long lost brother/sister.

      F)      Look up thoughtfully and say “Hey, is the elevator cable looking a bit rusty to you?”

       G)     Get into a conversation with a fellow passenger about your extraordinary sex life, insisting that all three of your children were conceived in that very lift.

       H)     Call the Psychic Hotline. Ask if they know which floor you’re on.

        I)        Fake an orgasm every time the doors open.

        J)       Slowly read “Green Eggs and Ham” as loud as you can to fellow passengers.

        K)      Ask somebody they floor button they want you to press. When they tell you, say “Is that your final answer?”

       L)       Leave the elevator. Just as the doors are closing scream, “I FORGOT THE BOMB!”

       M)   Put up a wanted poster, with a picture of yourself and the text “WANTED. HORNY RAPIST.”

        N)     Claim the person on the wanted poster is actually a fellow passenger. (Make sure they don’t look like you at all, preferably opposite gender.) Duel them to the death.

         O)     Get on a crowded elevator and say “Don’t worry, rabies isn't contagious.”

       P)      Every so often take a look in your bag and whisper, "Do you have enough air in there?"

       Q)     Ask somebody which rollercoaster they’re going on next.

        R)      Look at a fellow passenger and lick your lips. When they look at you, say, “Dinner’s gonna be real good tonight.”

       S)      Spread North Korean propaganda.

       T)      Dance to the elevator music.

        U)     After a while of staring at a passenger, say “You can’t fool me. That’s a mask.” Attempt to pull their face off.

       V)     Attempt to order pizza with the emergency phone.

      W)   Scream at a fellow passenger, “YOU’RE STEALING ALL MY AIR!” Then collapse and die.

      X)       Pick your nose and remove boogers. Offer them to passengers as a “light snack.”

      Y)      Practice your gangsta rapping skills.

      Z)      Release a cage of doves in the elevator, while screaming “YOU’RE FREE! FREEEEEEEE!”

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