For a few, rather long years, you
will have to care (or pretend to care) about being popular in school. High
school popularity is a science – it has been studied for thousands of years,
ever since one day the Tyrannosaurus Rex got tired of being laughed at for his
microscopic ‘arms’. (No offence Rexy, but come on. Those arms are freaking
TINY.)
A) Work on your walking style. Your feet should face away
from your body when you walk (like a penguin) rather than inwards (like someone
who’s bladder is about to explode)
B) Pretend to be in a band. No, it doesn't actually have to
exist.
C) When in conversation, say ‘”Yo” every few seconds.
Example: Yo, I just, yo, ate some
cheese, yo, while playing with my, yo, yo-yo, yo.
D) Be a terrible person. Oh come on, girls don’t go for the
nice guys.
DON’T SAY: Hey! You left your
phone at the table! But don’t worry; I’m a nice guy so I’m returning it to you.
By the way, I like your shirt. If your shirt was an octopus it would be a good
octopus.
INSTEAD, TRY: Yo, you left your
phone, yo! Well now it’s my phone, yo! Nobody would want to call you anyway,
yo! By the way, yo, I told everyone on your contact list that you’re pregnant!
And that your mother is morbidly obese! And that your dad is a male stripper!
And your kid is going to be a cow! MOOOOOOO- *gets punched in the face*
E) Wear your trousers as low as
humanly possible. If your kneecaps aren't easily visible, pull your trousers
down ya slacker.
F) Act like a douchebag to your
teachers. The other kids will find it funny because you’re like, totally
rebelling against the system, yo. You could, for example
·
Answer with “absent” when the teacher reads your
name on the register
·
Create a saucy and embarrassing nickname for
your teacher
·
Gather up your stuff 20 minutes before the class
ends
·
Wear glasses with eyes painted on them. Fall
asleep.
·
Raise your hand, but then claim you were “just
stretching.”
·
Answer every question with, “But why?”
·
Tell them you've “seen the pictures” in front of
the class. Wink.
·
Stand up in the middle of class and scream,
“LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!”
G) Say “That’s what she said”
constantly, even if it doesn't make sense in the context. (And if it does,
BONUS!)
Example: “So today I went out for
a walk. That’s what she said. It was rather cold. That’s what she said. I was
walking my dog, Bob. That’s what she said. I even took my old kite. That’s what
she said. But it just wouldn't go up! That’s what she said. YES I GOT ONE.”
H) You could just be incredibly
creepy and everybody will respect you out of fear. For example,
·
Tell your teacher they looked pretty in bed last
night
·
Stare at fellow students and lick your lips.
·
Ask your teacher how many calories a human heart
is worth.
·
Tell fellow students the Dark Lord is not
pleased with their progress.
I) Be an active Facebook user. Do everything listed here. (shameless advertising)
J) Join a few school clubs so you
socialise with a wide range of people. Just avoid any clubs that require a
signature written in blood to join. If anyone mentions Satan, run.
K) Work on your smile. You want
it to be less “I will eat your first born child” and more “Look at me, I’m so
cute and handsome, who wants to get physical.”
L) If you do decide to date, why
not take your lucky lady/gentleman to a fancy restaurant or even the
cinema/movie theater? (Okay, no more advertising.)
M) Have a memorable quirk, like a
hilarious laugh or a carnivorous pigeon which lives in your stomach and feeds
on the souls of the popular kids.
N) Be the host of huge house
parties. For help, here’s a checklist of stuff that should happen at every
party. If any of these remain un-ticked, your party has been a failure!
·
Somebody pukes (preferably on someone else)
·
Somebody falls onto china cabinet
·
Truth or Dare is played
·
Somebody becomes a “Teen Mom.”
·
Somebody falls into pond/pool/any other body of
water
·
Bathroom becomes international danger zone
·
At least one messy breakup
O) Be yourself. Unless you’re a
serial killer.
20 June 2013 at 07:04
This post was hilarious yo! :P
9 August 2013 at 10:46
The carnivorous pigeon has to be called Montague
9 August 2013 at 14:36
Agreed :P