Tips 1, 2 & 3

Hello there, random internet user! This blog is hopefully (if I don’t get bored after the first post) going to focus on life tips for teenagers, written by a teenager. The following tips may or may not be totally life-ruining and cause you to self-combust or melt into a pool of liquefied person. Okay, that’s a little dark. Here’s twenty three four reasons why you should read this blog:
1)      If this blog had a smell, it would smell like freshly cut grass and also unicorns.
2)      Cats. I’m a cat person.
3)      There is no fourth reason.

1)      Please, don’t be annoying on Facebook
So either Facebook makes me angry or I’m just an angry person. Or mayyyybe, I have a horrific monster living inside of me which is only awakened by poor grammar and duck faces. Hmm, well if I write any more of this post in all capital letters then you’ll know the demon inside of me has been released.
A)     WHY THE HECK ARE YOU POSTING VAGUE AND DEPRESSING STATUS UPDATES!?! If you want your self-esteem raised just message your best friend or something. Don’t be all like, “Today I took a shower. The flowing water did nothing to rinse away the emotional scars which now constantly pain me after what happened last week.” And then you’re not going to say what happened last week?!? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! Did your boyfriend leave you?!? Did your mole rat die?!? Did your last status only get 46 likes!?! THE HORROR!
Find out all of this and more in next week’s exciting episode of: Annoying Facebook Girl
B)      Unnecessary name changes. Pleased to meet you Sarah ‘Sparkles’ Smith.

C)      By the way, the ‘hand on hip and photo taken from the side’ trick? Yes, people know this makes you look slimmer. Keep doing it if you want, it just looks a little… insecure.

D)     Please stop liking spam posts which are obviously fake. Bill Gates is not going to pay you 5000 (insert your country’s currency here) if you share this post. If it looks too good to be true, then it probably is.


F)      Oh, you’ve been dating your new boyfriend for two days? Well, of course you’re now madly in love. Yes, I would love for my newsfeed to be plagued with your sappy “omg Mark just made me a cup of coffee he’s just the sweetest boy ever we’ll be together for ever how thoughtful is he you know all men could learn something from him yesterday he even paused his game of call of duty so we could make awkward small talk and realise we have little in common cuddle and talk about whether to name our first child Mark Junior, Bubbles or Fairy Dust.” And then of course I would just love to be tortured further for the next two months because now you understand that ‘all men are the same’(quick note –You cannot generalise half of the world’s population). 

G)     Bobby John just sent you a game request. Jimmy Piddle just sent you a game request. Willy Billy just sent you a game request…

2)      How to cure boredom
You. You’re reading this. You’re probably bored. Let’s get to work.
A)     Google Translate beatboxing. Click ‘listen.’ Be amazed.
B)      Start a blog.
C)      Have a water gun fight. If you’re alone, simulate the fight by taking a shower.
D)     Go streaking    Bake muffins
E)      Watch cat videos. If you don’t enjoy this you are dead inside.
F)      Play a game of “Who will Taylor Swift write a song about next?”
H)     Try and solve a Rubik’s cube. Get angry. Create cube-shaped hole in window.
I)        Do something rebellious. Like playing with your food. Oooh.

3)      How to spot a vampire
So let’s say you have a friend. His name is Bob. You think Bob may be a vampire. This is a perfectly reasonable suspicion; after all 45% of your friends are likely vampires. (Note – 80% of statistics are made up on the spot.)
A)     Fangs – an obvious sign. If Bob has these babies you might as well get the stake and holy water out right away. But there’s a problem – how will you catch a glimpse of Bob’s fangs?
Some suggestions for the uncreative:
-          Tell Bob a funny joke so he opens his mouth wide enough. (Don’t offend Bob though. If you tell him his mother is overweight in a comedic fashion, he may consume you for disrespecting his family.)
-          Tell Bob some shocking news. If you happen to be Bob’s daughter you could tell him you’re pregnant and the father is your psychopathic ex-boyfriend who went to prison for murdering someone with a rake. Alternatively, if Bob is simply a good friend, casually mention in conversation that you’re pursuing a career as a vampire slayer.
-          Train to become a dentist, and then get Bob as a client. (Hey, I didn’t say this would be easy.)

B)      Extremely pale skin. If Bob always looks like he’s just seen a ghost, then chances are he’s a vampire. (Beware though – Bob may just play a lot of World of Warcraft.)

C)      Sparkles in sunlight       No. This is not Twilight.

D)     Longevity. Was Bob present at your birth and still looks exactly the same? Does he get a little nostalgic about the dinosaur age? Does he claim Julius Caesar was “like, totally my best buddy”?  If so, Bob is either a vampire or well, just a big fat liar. 

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