13) How to create your own holiday

Have you ever looked at yourself and thought, “I’m pretty much the most awesome person who ever lived! Why on earth don’t I have my own national holiday?!?” What’s that? No? Oh. Yeah, me neither.

(Just in case you, sorry, we, change our mind, here’s how to go about organising the best day of the year.  

A)           Decide what your holiday will be in celebration of. Mine will of course be all me and my amazing life. Be sure not to pick one that already exists though! Here are a few weird holidays nobody has ever heard of:

- January 25th: Opposite Day (This is an actual day! I thought people just made it up to win arguments!)

- April 9th: Name Yourself Day (I will now be known as… Bobby John Fizzle Wizzle!)

- March 13th: National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day (so gangsta)

- December 10th: Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales (Umm… alrighty then.)

- November 6th: Marooned Without a Compass Day (a.k.a dehydration and death day)

- March 16th: Everything You Do Is Right Day (Well, this could get interesting…)

- First Sunday of April: “Kanamara Matsuri” (I’m sure this is considered extremely normal in Japan but my Westernised mind finds it slightly hilarious and weird that there is a celebration with a large penis as the centerpiece.)

- March 10th: International Day of Awesomeness (Okay, this one isn't weird. I’m actually glad that this is a recognised day, and it’s on Chuck Norris’s birthday . Yeah, that guy.)

- February 9th: Toothache Day (So, err… why are we celebrating this?)

- March 26th: Make Up Your Own Holiday Day (And guess what day this post was published on?)

Hint – Not March 26th.

B) Once you've decided what your holiday will celebrate, perhaps you could come up with some story surrounding it. You know, like Santa. (Who, to any five year olds reading this, is DEFINITELY REAL.)
On my holiday, a kangaroo called Martin will travel across the world delivering a chicken nugget to everybody who has professed their love for me (Through multiple visits to his local gym, Martin has amassed a significant amount of leg muscle, which allows him to travel 100 thousand kilometers in one jump.)

People who do not regularly look at pictures of me and groan in pleasure will be told they a receiving a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, which will turn out to be a raisin cookie. Haha. 

C) Let everyone know about your new holiday! Tell people in the street! Scream out of windows! Hand out leaflets! Use the interwebs! Send a message in a bottle! Talk about it on TV! Send carrier pigeons! Use Batman-style silhouettes! Wonder what this post is actually about! Do other things!

12) How to be popular in school

For a few, rather long years, you will have to care (or pretend to care) about being popular in school. High school popularity is a science – it has been studied for thousands of years, ever since one day the Tyrannosaurus Rex got tired of being laughed at for his microscopic ‘arms’. (No offence Rexy, but come on. Those arms are freaking TINY.)

A)           Work on your walking style. Your feet should face away from your body when you walk (like a penguin) rather than inwards (like someone who’s bladder is about to explode)

B)            Pretend to be in a band. No, it doesn't actually have to exist.

C)            When in conversation, say ‘”Yo” every few seconds.
Example: Yo, I just, yo, ate some cheese, yo, while playing with my, yo, yo-yo, yo.

D)           Be a terrible person. Oh come on, girls don’t go for the nice guys.
DON’T SAY: Hey! You left your phone at the table! But don’t worry; I’m a nice guy so I’m returning it to you. By the way, I like your shirt. If your shirt was an octopus it would be a good octopus.

INSTEAD, TRY: Yo, you left your phone, yo! Well now it’s my phone, yo! Nobody would want to call you anyway, yo! By the way, yo, I told everyone on your contact list that you’re pregnant! And that your mother is morbidly obese! And that your dad is a male stripper! And your kid is going to be a cow! MOOOOOOO- *gets punched in the face*

E) Wear your trousers as low as humanly possible. If your kneecaps aren't easily visible, pull your trousers down ya slacker.

F) Act like a douchebag to your teachers. The other kids will find it funny because you’re like, totally rebelling against the system, yo. You could, for example

·         Answer with “absent” when the teacher reads your name on the register

·         Create a saucy and embarrassing nickname for your teacher

·         Gather up your stuff 20 minutes before the class ends

·         Wear glasses with eyes painted on them. Fall asleep.

·         Raise your hand, but then claim you were “just stretching.”

·         Answer every question with, “But why?”

·         Tell them you've “seen the pictures” in front of the class. Wink.

·         Stand up in the middle of class and scream, “LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!”

G) Say “That’s what she said” constantly, even if it doesn't make sense in the context. (And if it does, BONUS!)
Example: “So today I went out for a walk. That’s what she said. It was rather cold. That’s what she said. I was walking my dog, Bob. That’s what she said. I even took my old kite. That’s what she said. But it just wouldn't go up! That’s what she said. YES I GOT ONE.”

H) You could just be incredibly creepy and everybody will respect you out of fear. For example,

·         Tell your teacher they looked pretty in bed last night
             Stare at fellow students and lick your lips.

·         Ask your teacher how many calories a human heart is worth.

·         Tell fellow students the Dark Lord is not pleased with their progress.

I) Be an active Facebook user. Do everything listed here. (shameless advertising)

J) Join a few school clubs so you socialise with a wide range of people. Just avoid any clubs that require a signature written in blood to join. If anyone mentions Satan, run.

K) Work on your smile. You want it to be less “I will eat your first born child” and more “Look at me, I’m so cute and handsome, who wants to get physical.”

L) If you do decide to date, why not take your lucky lady/gentleman to a fancy restaurant or even the cinema/movie theater? (Okay, no more advertising.)

M) Have a memorable quirk, like a hilarious laugh or a carnivorous pigeon which lives in your stomach and feeds on the souls of the popular kids.

N) Be the host of huge house parties. For help, here’s a checklist of stuff that should happen at every party. If any of these remain un-ticked, your party has been a failure!

·         Somebody pukes (preferably on someone else)

·         Somebody falls onto china cabinet

·         Truth or Dare is played

·         Somebody becomes a “Teen Mom.”

·         Somebody falls into pond/pool/any other body of water

·         Bathroom becomes international danger zone

·         At least one messy breakup

O) Be yourself. Unless you’re a serial killer.

11) How to break up with someone

A)     Say you’re allergic to them.

B)      “It’s not me, it’s you. I hate you. Get out of my house.”

C)      Tell them your new girlfriend doesn't like you dating other people.

D)     Frame them for a crime they didn't commit so they go to jail.

E)      Tell them you've joined the Dark Side.

F)      Move without telling them.

G)     “Roses are red
Violets are blue
You make me
Uncontrollably vomit”

H)     It’s not you… IT’S A ME, MARIO!
I)        “I’m… I’m Batman.”

J)       Be sure to avoid breaking up with them near any sharp objects, moving vehicles or bottles of cyanide.

K)      Change your Facebook relationship status to “single” without telling them.

L)       “You’re the Coca-Cola to my Mento.”

M)   “You’re just not really necessary in my life. My right hand is a wonderful lover.”

N)     “Wait, we were dating?”

O)     If you’re dating Taylor Swift just wait for a few days and all the work will be done for you.

P)      “So this is a little weird coming from a man and all but, well, I’m pregnant.”

Q)     “You’re just not really my type. I prefer a woman who can be inflated.”

R)      Send them on a treasure hunt which eventually ends with a break-up note.

S)      Get someone else to do it for you, such as:
-          A parent
-          A barbershop quartet
-          Your imaginary friend
-          An assassin
-          They can just do it themselves, right?

T)      “I’m just going to come right out and say it. I thought you were a cow. I’m cowsexual. Please get out.”

U)     “Remember when I asked you out? Yeah, sorry, I was talking to the girl behind you.”


W)   Oh, hi Sarah! Wait… was it Susan? Samantha? It doesn't even start with an ‘S’, does it? You kind of look like an Amanda. Or a Betty. Can I have a clue? Just a minute, I’ll phone a friend."

X)      “I've just finished writing your monthly ‘Girlfriend Performance Rating’ and, well, I’m afraid you failed to meet necessary requirements."

Y)       "My goldfish died. I… I just need some time alone to sort myself out."