17) How to lie

We all know we shouldn't lie – but does anyone actually not lie? Is it even possible to live life without lying, at all? Sometimes the consequences of not lying could threaten your very existence, like when somebody asks you if you ate the entire tube of Pringles and you’re all like “No of course I did not eat the entire tube. I would have disappointed myself and my body weight,” and then you retreat slowly into your bedroom and cackle like an evil genius because you’re such a liar but you’re still hungry and what is wrong with me. 

Basically what I’m trying to say is you will need to be good at lying because you will be using this skill plenty and your parents are hardly going to sit you down one day and say “Okay ‘insertnamehere’ we've taught you where babies come from, now for an even more important lesson; how to be an awesome liar.”

Fun Fact – I only just realised “liar” is spelled with an a. I've been spelling it with an e for 16 years. (Yeah, I was literate as soon as I was born.)

      A)     Try not to laugh. Pringles are a pretty goddamn serious matter so you wouldn't be laughing if you were telling the truth.

       B)      Keep your lie simple as over-complicating it will give it away. Avoid, for instance:

“COME QUICKLY! The Pringles tube, which was to my knowledge full before this catastrophic occurrence, has been abducted by aliens! Luckily as it was being beamed up I managed to hang onto the tube – what can I say, I’m a ninja – and was pulled upwards through the sky into an alien spaceship like that one from Independence Day. There I greeted by a vile and disgusting creature which I won’t describe. No, not because I’m not creative enough, but because I was TEMPORARILY BLINDED by the alien’s flashing eyes. I was initially worried that the alien was going to attempt to mate with me as my new haircut just makes me look adorable, don’t you think? Luckily for me little alien babies were kept in the deep, slightly disturbing depths of my imagination as the alien, who conveniently spoke good English, shook my hand, took the Pringles and thanked me for the tasty treat. By the way, his name was Ted; he had a name badge. I was then beamed back down to Earth without the Pringles and in desperate need of a psychiatrist!

This is Ted, by the way. Pretty much the coolest alien ever. (source)

Instead, try:

“The dog did it.”

      C)      Also avoid the following:

·         Darting your eyes around the room
·         Crying
·         Jumping out of the window
·         Attempting to kill the witness

·         Eating another tube of Pringles in front of them

How often do you find yourself lying? 

16) How to survive a zombie apocalypse

As a possible side effect of watching too much the Walking Dead recently, I have become rather interested in zombies – or more precisely, how to beat several hundred of them to death and live to tell my grandchildren. You can consider this good planning – when the zombie apocalypse finally arrives there will be no time for tears or a zombie movie marathon for research purposes. You will probably have to kill many zombies (as well as your elderly, easily infected neighbors) all while surviving without a scratch or bite. Because the zombie apocalypse is a totally legitimate threat I've taken the liberty of writing this guide which will probably end up being the most important 800 words ever written or something.

A)     So obviously – the golden rule (aren't I cool writing that in golden). Don’t get bitten, and if you do, kill yourself. (Is there any nice way of saying that?) If any of your elderly neighbors have avoided having their faces chewed off, consider asking them to chop you up with an axe. You’ll even be supplying free food if you happen to live in a family of cannibals.

B)      Note any suspicious behavior. Before gathering equipment, you must realise that the apocalypse has begun. If you see someone limping down the street mumbling about brains assume this is NOT a friendly protest/mating call but instead a FREAKING ZOMBIE OMG RUN. (This situation can become awkward if it just turns out to just be an old guy with a hangover or something.)


C)     If you live in an urban area, then WOAH get out of there – the busier the area was, the more zombies there will now be wandering the streets. Do not try and drive unless you want to get stuck in the most intense traffic jam ever. You could try and swim away, because I’m pretty sure zombies can’t swim without their limbs falling off. Although when you really think about it, zombies are too stupid to even get up a ladder, so you can just climb one and start a new civilization. If you happen to have a tree house, this will become a sanctuary for humanity.  Get a nice mix of men and woman in there and let the breeding begin.

This could be you soon! (source)

D)     Sorry, that got a little weird. Once you’re out of a busy area, you’ll want to gather some supplies. You might want to drop into a supermarket (cough, cough) to get some tinned food, long sleeved jumpers and, well, you might as well take anything you want. Supplies you definitely need include:

-          Some sort of weapon. Whether this is a gun, an axe or your neighbors severed arm, just make sure it can actually function as a weapon.
-          Gun suppressor (I bet so many deaths in zombie films would be prevented if people just silenced their god damn guns.)
-          A helmet (Aha, you can’t eat my brains if they’re protected!)
-          Duct tape (Because duct tape fixes everything.)
-          Binoculars (Because seeing is pretty important.)
-          Toothbrush (A zombie apocalypse is no excuse for tooth decay.)
-          While we’re on the subject of supplies, consider stopping at a museum and getting a head to toe suit of armor. You’ll be like Iron Man, only less awesome and more sweaty.

E)      If you’re travelling with a group, make sure everybody else is incredibly fat or just slow at running. I think you know what I mean by this.

I couldn't find a relevant picture for this, so here's a slow loris. Close enough?

F)      You’ll probably have to kill zombies at some point. Aim for the head, although try and resist screaming, “yes headshot 360 no scope camper noob I did your mother” after every decapitation. Not only will your screaming attract more zombies, you’ll probably be disowned by your family for being an annoying Call of Duty player. If video games have taught me anything about zombies it’s that you should be extra careful around the fast ones – because apparently they’re perfectly capable of Usain Bolting’ towards you but a ladder is a fricking mystery.

G)     If you’re a woman with high heels (or a man – I won’t judge) take those pointy death traps off. You’ll be doing a lot of running in the zombie apocalypse and you totally just can’t do that well in high heels. You’ll probably end up falling over, and if you’re particularly unlucky right on top of a zombie, which could either be the start of an adult movie or mean CERTAIN DEATH.

This sign exists only to protect you against zombies. Duh. (source)
H)     A not very well known fact (probably because zombies aren't actually real) is that the undead will freeze in cold conditions, which is why moving to a particularly cold region (Antarctica anyone?) might be a good idea. If you build a tree house in Antarctica you can probably lead a perfectly happy existence without ever seeing another zombie.

I)        The sad thing about zombie apocalypses is that you’re pretty screwed even if you do manage to survive for a long period of time. There isn't much hope for a regrowth of humanity when there’s a few billion zombies wandering around. (Also I bet Earth really stinks with all that rotting flesh.) I suppose if all else fails you could just do the Thriller dance. And then die. Have fun with that. 

How would you survive in a zombie apocalypse? 

15) How to be weird in a supermarket

A)     Lock yourself in a freezer. Scream “Pick me!” when somebody opens it.

B)      When somebody speaks over the intercom, fall to your knees and scream, “The voices are talking to me again!”

C)      If you accidentally knock over any displays, just pretend to be blind. Nobody’s going to get angry at a blind guy.

D)     Put boxes of condoms in people’s trolleys when they aren't looking.

E)      When a shop assistant asks if you need help, start crying and tell them you just want to be alone.

F)      Run around the supermarket naked, claiming you ran out of toilet paper.

G)     Try and put on all the clothes in the clothing department.

H)     Get physical with the mannequins.

I)        Try and buy a shopping cart.

J)       Buy a live lobster and set it free in the supermarket.

K)      Ask a shop assistant if they have any food suitable for sacrificial offerings.

L)       Ride the conveyor belts on checkout lines. Assure people you are fully purchasable.

M)   Wear a “Caution, wet floor” sign as a hat.

N)     Point accusingly at a banana and say, “I thought you were waiting in the car!”

O)     Lecture the fresh fruit on your plans for world domination.

P)      Put your own surprises in the cereal boxes. (as disgusting as you like)

Q)     Grab a pineapple and scream, “Are you in there, Spongebob?”

R)      Ask a shop assistant if the walls are for sale.

S)      Pretend to be a mannequin.

T)      Superglue a coin to the floor and see how many people try and pick it up.

U)     Buy a balaclava and baseball bat.

V)     Make disgusting noises in the restroom.

W)   Take a stand against toaster imprisonment and release all of them into the wild.

X)      Buy a goldfish and ask the assistant if it comes with chips.

Y)      Wear a bicycle helmet and inform others you have to for your ‘astronaut training.’

Z)      Go up to people and scream, “NO MEANS NO!”

Any other ideas?
Also check out how to be weird in an elevator/lift! 

14) How to win the Hunger Games (part 1)

If you haven’t heard of the Hunger Games, it’s basically a book series (only the first two are good, the third is a bit of a snooze) featuring a large arena where small children who can still remember what the inside of their mother’s womb looks like are suddenly expected to like, totally just kill each other. It sounds horribly illegal, but the whole thing is controlled by “The Capitol” (the government of the region) who are either all pedophiles with really weird fetishes or just enjoy watching people being brutally murdered. Oh, and the whole thing is shown on TV, as if that makes it any less weird.

So while reading/watching (did I mention there’s a film?) I couldn't help wonder how I would fare in the arena. And then I laughed, because I would probably be that one guy who trips over his shoelace and ends up killing himself.

But then I thought again – what if I wasn't wearing shoe-laces? What would be the best way to win the Hunger Games?

You will need a special skill, something that defines you, like your ability to use a bow or growl in a menacing way. This is how the sponsors will identify you – because there are, indeed, sponsors who drop supplies from the sky, probably in an attempt to give you a head concussion and get the whole thing over and done with quicker. If you’re boring and hide in a tree for three weeks you’ll probably get a bag of bricks landing on your head. Being likable is just as important as killing the kids, wow that sounds slightly disturbing.

You can also make sponsors like you more by having an amusing quirk, like:

-          Break into song whenever you kill someone

-          Get naked, because the Capitol likes your sexy ass

-          Sit in the corner of the arena, crying and eating ice-cream

-          Get a black marker and draw yourself a six-pack to wow the ladies over, by rubbing yourself in oil and lifting weights in front of the cameras

As soon as you enter the arena you will be faced with a choice – do you run to the nearby “Cornucopia” (basically a structure housing supplies) or run like hell and get away from the other kids, who are fully qualified ninjas? Your decision really depends on how confident and ninjary (I just invented a word) everybody else is.

 If you notice everybody else is a scrawny five year old who is crying and sucking their thumb, and there is a distinct lack of tall hooded gentlemen carrying samurai swords, then go to the bloody Cornucopia because nobody else will. You’ll have all the supplies to yourself and there’s probably like, tanks and fighter jets in there. (If you find any nuclear bombs just remember you aren't going to detonate that and also survive.)

Finding an ally is going to help a lot. Try and be the kind of guy that smiles and nods at their friend across the room when the teacher announces you have to find a partner for a group project. It’ll really be the same here, and since your ally is your friend there’s the added benefit of knowing they’re not secretly a murderous psychopath who going’s to cut you open and feast on your organs. Don’t get too comfy with their presence though – soon enough, it will be time to kill them. Don’t let them get to you first though – keep your relationship strong by saying “Oh, we’re such good friends” every five minutes and maybe even ask if they want to go the cinema when this is all over.

So yes, about killing. I’m going to avoid going into too much detail in this to avoid looking like a homicidal maniac, but if you’re planning on surviving chances are murder will be on the agenda at some point. You could go full on Hunger Games style and totally just drop a  killer bees nest on your opponent and hope the bees don’t attack that guy who just destroyed their home. Although I recommend not being a complete idiot and adopting a different strategy:

- Maybe if the sponsors like you enough they’ll drop a piano on your opponent’s head.

- If you’re attempting to kill your ally, ‘accidentally’ trip and stab them in the back. Then wink at the camera and say, “Well, that escalated quickly.” You will be loved.

- Point at some (poisonous) berries and tell your ally they look very tasty.

- If you’re a girl, just flirt with all the boys and promise them a good time if they bring you food, water, and dead corpses.

- MANDATORY JUSTIN BIEBER JOKE – Just sing a Justin Bieber song and everyone will kill themselves. (sorry)

So for the sake of simplicity I’ll assume when the first night rolls around any allies you had are now dead and in ditches. (And you should have taken their stuff too because FREE FOOD.) Your best chance of sleep (I wouldn’t count on getting your eight hours though) is to crawl up a tree and die rest safely. Avoid smoky fires which are basically an advertisement of your whereabouts. Go to bed well fed – you’re in for a long night, because those monsters you thought were under your bed as a kid are totally real this time, and they have spears, bows, and a burning desire for free food.

How would you win the Hunger Games?