17) How to lie

We all know we shouldn't lie – but does anyone actually not lie? Is it even possible to live life without lying, at all? Sometimes the consequences of not lying could threaten your very existence, like when somebody asks you if you ate the entire tube of Pringles and you’re all like “No of course I did not eat the entire tube. I would have disappointed myself and my body weight,” and then you retreat slowly into your bedroom and cackle like an evil genius because you’re such a liar but you’re still hungry and what is wrong with me. 

Basically what I’m trying to say is you will need to be good at lying because you will be using this skill plenty and your parents are hardly going to sit you down one day and say “Okay ‘insertnamehere’ we've taught you where babies come from, now for an even more important lesson; how to be an awesome liar.”

Fun Fact – I only just realised “liar” is spelled with an a. I've been spelling it with an e for 16 years. (Yeah, I was literate as soon as I was born.)

      A)     Try not to laugh. Pringles are a pretty goddamn serious matter so you wouldn't be laughing if you were telling the truth.

       B)      Keep your lie simple as over-complicating it will give it away. Avoid, for instance:

“COME QUICKLY! The Pringles tube, which was to my knowledge full before this catastrophic occurrence, has been abducted by aliens! Luckily as it was being beamed up I managed to hang onto the tube – what can I say, I’m a ninja – and was pulled upwards through the sky into an alien spaceship like that one from Independence Day. There I greeted by a vile and disgusting creature which I won’t describe. No, not because I’m not creative enough, but because I was TEMPORARILY BLINDED by the alien’s flashing eyes. I was initially worried that the alien was going to attempt to mate with me as my new haircut just makes me look adorable, don’t you think? Luckily for me little alien babies were kept in the deep, slightly disturbing depths of my imagination as the alien, who conveniently spoke good English, shook my hand, took the Pringles and thanked me for the tasty treat. By the way, his name was Ted; he had a name badge. I was then beamed back down to Earth without the Pringles and in desperate need of a psychiatrist!

This is Ted, by the way. Pretty much the coolest alien ever. (source)

Instead, try:

“The dog did it.”

      C)      Also avoid the following:

·         Darting your eyes around the room
·         Crying
·         Jumping out of the window
·         Attempting to kill the witness

·         Eating another tube of Pringles in front of them

How often do you find yourself lying? 

1 Response to "17) How to lie"

  1. Hannah says:
    24 July 2013 at 04:42

    You're a very creative writer! :)

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