16) How to survive a zombie apocalypse

As a possible side effect of watching too much the Walking Dead recently, I have become rather interested in zombies – or more precisely, how to beat several hundred of them to death and live to tell my grandchildren. You can consider this good planning – when the zombie apocalypse finally arrives there will be no time for tears or a zombie movie marathon for research purposes. You will probably have to kill many zombies (as well as your elderly, easily infected neighbors) all while surviving without a scratch or bite. Because the zombie apocalypse is a totally legitimate threat I've taken the liberty of writing this guide which will probably end up being the most important 800 words ever written or something.

A)     So obviously – the golden rule (aren't I cool writing that in golden). Don’t get bitten, and if you do, kill yourself. (Is there any nice way of saying that?) If any of your elderly neighbors have avoided having their faces chewed off, consider asking them to chop you up with an axe. You’ll even be supplying free food if you happen to live in a family of cannibals.

B)      Note any suspicious behavior. Before gathering equipment, you must realise that the apocalypse has begun. If you see someone limping down the street mumbling about brains assume this is NOT a friendly protest/mating call but instead a FREAKING ZOMBIE OMG RUN. (This situation can become awkward if it just turns out to just be an old guy with a hangover or something.)


C)     If you live in an urban area, then WOAH get out of there – the busier the area was, the more zombies there will now be wandering the streets. Do not try and drive unless you want to get stuck in the most intense traffic jam ever. You could try and swim away, because I’m pretty sure zombies can’t swim without their limbs falling off. Although when you really think about it, zombies are too stupid to even get up a ladder, so you can just climb one and start a new civilization. If you happen to have a tree house, this will become a sanctuary for humanity.  Get a nice mix of men and woman in there and let the breeding begin.

This could be you soon! (source)

D)     Sorry, that got a little weird. Once you’re out of a busy area, you’ll want to gather some supplies. You might want to drop into a supermarket (cough, cough) to get some tinned food, long sleeved jumpers and, well, you might as well take anything you want. Supplies you definitely need include:

-          Some sort of weapon. Whether this is a gun, an axe or your neighbors severed arm, just make sure it can actually function as a weapon.
-          Gun suppressor (I bet so many deaths in zombie films would be prevented if people just silenced their god damn guns.)
-          A helmet (Aha, you can’t eat my brains if they’re protected!)
-          Duct tape (Because duct tape fixes everything.)
-          Binoculars (Because seeing is pretty important.)
-          Toothbrush (A zombie apocalypse is no excuse for tooth decay.)
-          While we’re on the subject of supplies, consider stopping at a museum and getting a head to toe suit of armor. You’ll be like Iron Man, only less awesome and more sweaty.

E)      If you’re travelling with a group, make sure everybody else is incredibly fat or just slow at running. I think you know what I mean by this.

I couldn't find a relevant picture for this, so here's a slow loris. Close enough?

F)      You’ll probably have to kill zombies at some point. Aim for the head, although try and resist screaming, “yes headshot 360 no scope camper noob I did your mother” after every decapitation. Not only will your screaming attract more zombies, you’ll probably be disowned by your family for being an annoying Call of Duty player. If video games have taught me anything about zombies it’s that you should be extra careful around the fast ones – because apparently they’re perfectly capable of Usain Bolting’ towards you but a ladder is a fricking mystery.

G)     If you’re a woman with high heels (or a man – I won’t judge) take those pointy death traps off. You’ll be doing a lot of running in the zombie apocalypse and you totally just can’t do that well in high heels. You’ll probably end up falling over, and if you’re particularly unlucky right on top of a zombie, which could either be the start of an adult movie or mean CERTAIN DEATH.

This sign exists only to protect you against zombies. Duh. (source)
H)     A not very well known fact (probably because zombies aren't actually real) is that the undead will freeze in cold conditions, which is why moving to a particularly cold region (Antarctica anyone?) might be a good idea. If you build a tree house in Antarctica you can probably lead a perfectly happy existence without ever seeing another zombie.

I)        The sad thing about zombie apocalypses is that you’re pretty screwed even if you do manage to survive for a long period of time. There isn't much hope for a regrowth of humanity when there’s a few billion zombies wandering around. (Also I bet Earth really stinks with all that rotting flesh.) I suppose if all else fails you could just do the Thriller dance. And then die. Have fun with that. 

How would you survive in a zombie apocalypse? 

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