12) How to be popular in school

For a few, rather long years, you will have to care (or pretend to care) about being popular in school. High school popularity is a science – it has been studied for thousands of years, ever since one day the Tyrannosaurus Rex got tired of being laughed at for his microscopic ‘arms’. (No offence Rexy, but come on. Those arms are freaking TINY.)

A)           Work on your walking style. Your feet should face away from your body when you walk (like a penguin) rather than inwards (like someone who’s bladder is about to explode)

B)            Pretend to be in a band. No, it doesn't actually have to exist.

C)            When in conversation, say ‘”Yo” every few seconds.
Example: Yo, I just, yo, ate some cheese, yo, while playing with my, yo, yo-yo, yo.

D)           Be a terrible person. Oh come on, girls don’t go for the nice guys.
DON’T SAY: Hey! You left your phone at the table! But don’t worry; I’m a nice guy so I’m returning it to you. By the way, I like your shirt. If your shirt was an octopus it would be a good octopus.

INSTEAD, TRY: Yo, you left your phone, yo! Well now it’s my phone, yo! Nobody would want to call you anyway, yo! By the way, yo, I told everyone on your contact list that you’re pregnant! And that your mother is morbidly obese! And that your dad is a male stripper! And your kid is going to be a cow! MOOOOOOO- *gets punched in the face*

E) Wear your trousers as low as humanly possible. If your kneecaps aren't easily visible, pull your trousers down ya slacker.

F) Act like a douchebag to your teachers. The other kids will find it funny because you’re like, totally rebelling against the system, yo. You could, for example

·         Answer with “absent” when the teacher reads your name on the register

·         Create a saucy and embarrassing nickname for your teacher

·         Gather up your stuff 20 minutes before the class ends

·         Wear glasses with eyes painted on them. Fall asleep.

·         Raise your hand, but then claim you were “just stretching.”

·         Answer every question with, “But why?”

·         Tell them you've “seen the pictures” in front of the class. Wink.

·         Stand up in the middle of class and scream, “LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!”

G) Say “That’s what she said” constantly, even if it doesn't make sense in the context. (And if it does, BONUS!)
Example: “So today I went out for a walk. That’s what she said. It was rather cold. That’s what she said. I was walking my dog, Bob. That’s what she said. I even took my old kite. That’s what she said. But it just wouldn't go up! That’s what she said. YES I GOT ONE.”

H) You could just be incredibly creepy and everybody will respect you out of fear. For example,

·         Tell your teacher they looked pretty in bed last night
             Stare at fellow students and lick your lips.

·         Ask your teacher how many calories a human heart is worth.

·         Tell fellow students the Dark Lord is not pleased with their progress.

I) Be an active Facebook user. Do everything listed here. (shameless advertising)

J) Join a few school clubs so you socialise with a wide range of people. Just avoid any clubs that require a signature written in blood to join. If anyone mentions Satan, run.

K) Work on your smile. You want it to be less “I will eat your first born child” and more “Look at me, I’m so cute and handsome, who wants to get physical.”

L) If you do decide to date, why not take your lucky lady/gentleman to a fancy restaurant or even the cinema/movie theater? (Okay, no more advertising.)

M) Have a memorable quirk, like a hilarious laugh or a carnivorous pigeon which lives in your stomach and feeds on the souls of the popular kids.

N) Be the host of huge house parties. For help, here’s a checklist of stuff that should happen at every party. If any of these remain un-ticked, your party has been a failure!

·         Somebody pukes (preferably on someone else)

·         Somebody falls onto china cabinet

·         Truth or Dare is played

·         Somebody becomes a “Teen Mom.”

·         Somebody falls into pond/pool/any other body of water

·         Bathroom becomes international danger zone

·         At least one messy breakup

O) Be yourself. Unless you’re a serial killer.

3 Response to "12) How to be popular in school "

  1. Riley S says:
    20 June 2013 at 07:04

    This post was hilarious yo! :P

  2. Grace G says:
    9 August 2013 at 10:46

    The carnivorous pigeon has to be called Montague

  3. Callum Puttock says:
    9 August 2013 at 14:36

    Agreed :P

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