Unhelpful Teen

           B)      “Is.. is this a secure line?”

           C)      “I thought I told you to never call me on this number.”

           D)     “Dominos, may I take your order?”

           E)      “Road Kill Café. You kill ‘em, we grill ‘em.

           F)      “Go ahead, caller. You’re on the air!”

          G)     “Do you want to play a game?”

          H)     “I’m impressed, Detective, that you've made it this far. Now, I've rigged your office with several tonnes of plastic explosives. You have two minutes.”

          I)        “Adolf Hitler speaking.”

          J)       “IT BURNS! IT BURNS! IT BUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNSSSSS!

         K)      “Grim Reaper here. Hold on, I’ll be right with you.”

         L)       “Moe’s Tavern…”

        M)    Square root of 78, please.

        N)     “There’s nobody home.”

       O)     “Hello, Batman’s house! Oh, umm, I meant Wayne Manor.

       P)      “You will die in seven days………. Until then, would you like to buy cable TV?”

      Q)     “Bob’s Sperm Bank. You wack it, we pack it.”

       R)      “This is the department of Foreign Affairs. Have you had an affair with a foreigner recently?”

       S)      “HELLO!” (shout at the top of your lungs)

       T)      “For the last time, I do not want to have sex with a duck.”

       U)     “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite colour?”

       V)     “Phone tag, YOU’RE IT!”

      W)   “Sam’s Orphanage. You make em’, we take em’!

       X)      “Where will you be when diarrhea hits?

      Y)      “What’s your favorite scary movie?”

           A)     Attempt to sell your penis.

         B)      Knock on stall doors. When the person inside opens it, pretend to be a door to door salesman. (selling your penis.)

            C)      Kick in stall doors, with a camera in your hand, while licking your lips, while fondling your nipples.

            D)     Change all rolls of toilet paper into rolls of sand paper.

             E)      Loudly complain to yourself about the size of your penis.

           F)      In a stall, rub melted chocolate around your mouth. Act ashamed when you come out. If anybody tries to talk to you mutter, “Bad habit I know… just… smells so good…”

             G)     Attempt to crawl into an (occupied) stall next to the one you’re in. When the person inside sees you scream, “PEAK-A-BOO!”

             H)     Leave a brick in the toilet.

              I)        Turn the lights in the restroom off while stalls are occupied.

              J)       Pour a bucket of manure over an occupied stall. Say “Oops, I missed.”

   

              K)      Pee on somebody’s leg. Claim that it is raining.

               L)       Call the phone sex line while standing at a urinal.

               M)   Come up behind somebody using a urinal and cover their eyes with toilet paper.

              N)     Hang a sign up on a stall which says “*your name here*’s SuPeR SEcReT sEx DuNGeoN.” Show random people the sign and ask if they would like to join you inside.

             O)     Use a stopwatch to time how long people take in the restroom. Cheer everybody on and give an “Efficient Pooper” medal to anyone who is in and out within 4 minutes.

                P)      Leave a doll and red food colouring in a toilet. Leave the restroom as fast as you can.

                Q)     Dry your penis with a hand dryer.

               R)      For a few minutes watch people washing their hands with an amused look your face. Then say “Ha. Toilets are so mainstream.” Proceed to pee in the sink.

              S)      Perform a random drug test using samples of everybody’s urine. (that you have forced off of them.)

               T)      Brush your teeth, and spit in the sink while somebody is using it to wash their hands. (Try and get some toothpaste on their hands.)

               U)     Pretend to be a lifeguard, and claim you have to follow everybody into the stalls to ensure they don’t fall in.

                 V)     Start a penis measuring service.

               W)   While at a urinal tell the guy next to you that, “This is the best part about being gay.”

               X)      Smear chocolate onto a fork, and then leave it on the back of the toilet.

                Y)      Fill soap dispensers with maple syrup.

                   2)      Is… is it alive?

                   3)      Haha. It looks like chocolate covered raisins. Doesn't taste like it though.

                   4)      Dammit, my penis fell off again. Really need to get that checked out.

                   5)      These aquariums are just not worth the money.

                   6)      So I think it just inverted and went inside of me. I guess that’s normal.

                    7)      Hello, last night’s dinner!

                     8)      Now how did that get inside of me?

                      9)      Oh man, I missed. I always miss.

         B)      Ask how many kittens were killed in the making of the pizza.

         C)      Attempt to order a slice of pizza.

          D)     Ask to see a menu.

           E)      Attempt to rent a pizza.

          F)      After they start talking, act confused and say “Oh sorry, I meant to call the phone-sex line. Goodbye.”

              G)     Say every word in a different accent.

            H)     Do not use the word “pizza” during the entire conversation. If your order taker uses the word, scream and hang up.

            I)        Ask the order-taker if they are on their period, as they sound particularly angry. (Especially effective when they are male.)

             J)       Put them on hold.

             K)      Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Force them to cheer you up.

              L)       Complain that the last pizza you ordered didn't have any crust on the top.

             M)   When the order taker tells you the price, start crying and hang up.

             N)     Ask for your pizza to be shaken, not stirred.

             O)     Ask if the pizza has had its rabies shot.

           P)      Communicate your preferred toppings through the use of anagrams, to test the order-takers problem-solving skills.

             Q)     At the start of the conversation tell the order taker that you have a competitor on the other line (think Dominos vs. Pizza Hut) and that you will buy from whoever gives you the lowest price.

               R)      Ask if “another pizza” is an appropriate topping.

               S)      Ask them to deliver the pizza under a bridge in any shady area of your neighborhood.

              T)      After you've given the order taker your address, casually mention that this might be the address of your sex dungeon. And that you’re looking forward to their visit.

            U)     Call Dominos pretending to be a drunk Pizza Hut manager. Act as aggressive and intoxicated as anybody surely can over the phone. “Come at me, bro”, “Get back to your own parts” and “I will murder your family” should be expressions used often.

           V)     Tell the order taker that in order to have the honor of taking your order they have to pass a short test. The only question is, “Who invented pizza?”

             W)   When they repeat your order say, “Try again, with a little more feeling this time.”

              X)      Ask the order-taker to sculpt your pizza into the face of Harry Styles.

              Y)      Attempt to order diet water.

      B)      Clean your gun.

      C)      Make sure the elevator is empty. When somebody gets on, say in a deep voice “Welcome to my sex dungeon. We’re going to have a lot of fun together.”

      D)     Play “I've got your nose” with the other passengers.

      E)      Tell everyone that gets on that you are their long lost brother/sister.

      F)      Look up thoughtfully and say “Hey, is the elevator cable looking a bit rusty to you?”

       G)     Get into a conversation with a fellow passenger about your extraordinary sex life, insisting that all three of your children were conceived in that very lift.

       H)     Call the Psychic Hotline. Ask if they know which floor you’re on.

        I)        Fake an orgasm every time the doors open.

        J)       Slowly read “Green Eggs and Ham” as loud as you can to fellow passengers.

        K)      Ask somebody they floor button they want you to press. When they tell you, say “Is that your final answer?”

       L)       Leave the elevator. Just as the doors are closing scream, “I FORGOT THE BOMB!”

       M)   Put up a wanted poster, with a picture of yourself and the text “WANTED. HORNY RAPIST.”

        N)     Claim the person on the wanted poster is actually a fellow passenger. (Make sure they don’t look like you at all, preferably opposite gender.) Duel them to the death.

         O)     Get on a crowded elevator and say “Don’t worry, rabies isn't contagious.”

       P)      Every so often take a look in your bag and whisper, "Do you have enough air in there?"

       Q)     Ask somebody which rollercoaster they’re going on next.

        R)      Look at a fellow passenger and lick your lips. When they look at you, say, “Dinner’s gonna be real good tonight.”

       S)      Spread North Korean propaganda.

       T)      Dance to the elevator music.

        U)     After a while of staring at a passenger, say “You can’t fool me. That’s a mask.” Attempt to pull their face off.

       V)     Attempt to order pizza with the emergency phone.

      W)   Scream at a fellow passenger, “YOU’RE STEALING ALL MY AIR!” Then collapse and die.

      X)       Pick your nose and remove boogers. Offer them to passengers as a “light snack.”

      Y)      Practice your gangsta rapping skills.

-          - Hide under their bed until they fall asleep, and then wake them up in the middle of the night to ask them.

-         - Write a letter.

-        -  Write a letter with your own blood.

-         - Threaten to kill their hamster if they don’t go with you.

-       -   Pay them to go with you.

Let’s say that hypothetically Sarah has broken your heart by rejecting your advances and has then proceeded to barbecue your cat. You’ll have to find another soulmate to shower in gifts and expensive meals, and another person to take to prom. You’ll need to, to the best of your abilities, judge your popularity and compare it to your peers to decide who is likely to say yes. Let’s say you meet another girl, called Iona.

 Perhaps, upon being asked, she will fall to the floor, experience a powerful orgasm and then her ovaries will explode with the sheer magnitude of her arousal. Or perhaps she will laugh, tell you she’s “totally out of your league” and then go and sleep with the gym teacher.

It’s rather hard to tell which way the imaginary pendulum will swing, and so I present to you this guide to knowing if Iona would accept your advances, which was written by me which a drunk homeless man wrote for me in 5 minutes, although I did help with the writing of it, as I prodded him with a pointy stick whenever he seemed to be close to falling asleep, which was admittedly every few seconds, but I was willing to accept his drowsiness as he is 95 and still knows a thing or two about asking people to prom.

IONA LIKES YOU IF:

- She seems shy around you.

- She plays with her hair while talking to you.

- She often stares at your crotch with a hopeful expression on her face.

- She requested to sit next to you during Sex Ed. During the class, you catch her winking at you and attempting to touch you under the table.

- You find out she has a tattoo which looks suspiciously like your name/face/penis.

- You often wake up in the middle of the night and see her sitting at the end of your bed giggling and putting her clothes back on.

IONA F—CKING HATES YOU IF:

-          She laughed when your gerbil died.

-          She talks to you at length about how great her boyfriend is.

-          She bought you a kitten that enjoys sitting on keyboards.

-          In a bathroom stall you find she has written your name, phone number and “Phone for a good time ;)”

-          She laughs then vomits when somebody says you two should get together.

You may also want to consider her name, in case you one day decide to marry her. Consider for example that your surname is Dick. Your new wife will become Iona Dick. To save Iona the trauma it may be best in this case to simply not marry her and so keep the number of Iona Dick’s in the world to a minimum.

So now I’ll assume you have found somebody who you positively know is interested in you.

Now all is left is to actually ask them to prom, without seeming like a creepy pervert or whatever. You will want to start with a casual conversation, for example about your shared love of poptarts or kittens wearing bow-ties. (Do not start this important conversation with anything other than good chit-chat.  Even if you eat babies or something, just keep it to yourself.)

Once the conversation is flowing like fresh Mountain Dew, mention the topic of the prom. Do not jump straight in with the question. You could talk about how awesome it looks, before casually (very casually) asking if they’re going with anybody. If they say they are, then MURDER THAT B—CH’S DOG sorry I meant go home and drown your sorrows in as much Friends as you can watch before you don’t feel like the universe hates you anymore.

However, if they say they aren't, and then look at you hopefully, run to the pharmacy because you’ll need JUMP IN WITH THE QUESTION. Which is, for clarification, “Would you like to go with me?” (Or something to that degree.) Even if they reject you now, you’ll know they aren't going to prom with anyone and will probably be forever alone for the rest of their lives hahaha.

Hopefully they’ll blush, say “OH EM GEE YOU KNOW MA NAME I WUD LUV TWO GO WIV U” (Or something to that degree) and then saunter off to tell her friends, who were probably listening in to this whole conversation.

So well done, you win, you got somebody to not only learn your name, but even managed to convince them to be associated with you at prom. You should be proud of yourself and should definitely not kill your date’s dog. Now remember – stay in school, don’t do drugs, use protection and become a follower of Unhelpful Teen PLZ.

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Welcome to Under The Dashed Line, a new section of this blog appearing at the bottom of new posts where I write in a (mostly) non-humorous, non Unhelpful-Teeny tone about this blog.

Thanks to anybody currently reading for checking out the blog, and to my followers (all 7 of you – as you can see this blog is rather popular.) That was sarcasm; I feel like I have to point that out because many people seem unable to detect sarcasm over the internet.

Okay, I've already become sidetracked. What I really wanted to say was that if you have any ideas or topics for future posts you want to see email me at unhelpfulteen@gmail.com.  Give me your username/name as well along with links to blog(s) you currently own/run as if I like your idea enough to use it, I’ll put a link to your blog in the post when I eventually release it. (Which could admittedly be a long time.)   

Also, consider liking this blog on Google+ and/or becoming a follower if you enjoyed this post. It makes me want to actually try. Goodbye. :) 

2)      I quite literally have a pet rock, who is currently sitting on my desk. His name is Barney.

3)      I also have a pet cactus called Dave.

4)      I’m not crazy, I promise.

5)      Did you know that Scotland is the only country in the world where Coca-Cola is not the number one most sold soft drink? It’s because we’re all obsessed with Irn-Bru. (This is basically a fact about myself.)

6)      I have a chest condition called “Pectus excavatum”. It is essentially a large hole/hollow in my chest used as a slightly unusual party trick or to carry liquids in as an alternative to a mug or glass. (Okay, no, I don’t really do this. But if society would be more accepting it could be really quite handy.) By the way, I've called it the White Hole. Because it reminds me of a black hole and because

   7)   I’m white.

   8)   I have an extremely broad music taste and can get into pretty much any genre.

   9)   I like turtles.

10)   Writing this list makes me realise I’m not a very interesting person.

B)      Ride a llama to your classes.

C)      Have a pool party, in the lunch hall.

D)     Make the school’s fire alarm your ringtone.

E)      Realise your life long goal of becoming a nudist.

F)      Play “connect the dots” with your teacher’s freckles.

G)     Ask to be expelled.

H)     Display an interest in your headmistress’s menstrual cycle.

I)        Claim that you know they’re on their period because you can smell it.

J)        Inject liquid faeces into your teacher’s lunch.

IMAGE REDACTED

K)      Impregnate every female teacher.

L)       Tell the head teacher that their skin would make an excellent coat.

M)   Impregnate every male teacher.

N)     Bring a homeless person in for “Show and Tell.”

O)     Hit on your headmistress.

P)      Moan in the girl’s bathroom on the 3^rd floor.

Q)     Lead cows upstairs.

R)      Add laxatives to the milk.

S)      Spread a rumor that you are an illegal immigrant.

T)      Tease your depute head-teacher/principal for not getting the top job.

U)     Sing “Stupid Hoe” to your teacher. (You may even get arrested for singing a Nicki Minaj song.)

V)     Whenever your teacher tries to talk to you scream “Are you calling me fat?!”

W)   Rub yourself in vaseline, sit in the corner and pretend to be a slug.

Your new Facebook profile picture (source)

X)      Roll down the corridor, claiming to be a magical fairy from Venus.

Y)      If (for some reason) you are friends with your head-teacher/principal on Facebook, send them a Farmville request.

Z)      Write erotic stories about the (possibly made-up) love life of two teachers. Sell these stories to fellow students for extra points here. Extra bonus points for destroying your teacher's marriage with your stories which distressed his wife so much she immediately left, taking his two young children with her to go and live in Mexico where she could send him divorce papers and liquid faeces, leaving your ex-teacher (who had to quit his job due to the scandal) to realise his life is crumbling around him and he'll never see his kids again and his wife hates him and his dog died and he's over qualified for McDonald's and his dog came back to life and died again and his goldfish went to jail for dealing drugs and PLUTO ISN'T A PLANET and...

Moral of the story - Don't write erotic stories.