14) How to win the Hunger Games (part 1)

If you haven’t heard of the Hunger Games, it’s basically a book series (only the first two are good, the third is a bit of a snooze) featuring a large arena where small children who can still remember what the inside of their mother’s womb looks like are suddenly expected to like, totally just kill each other. It sounds horribly illegal, but the whole thing is controlled by “The Capitol” (the government of the region) who are either all pedophiles with really weird fetishes or just enjoy watching people being brutally murdered. Oh, and the whole thing is shown on TV, as if that makes it any less weird.

So while reading/watching (did I mention there’s a film?) I couldn't help wonder how I would fare in the arena. And then I laughed, because I would probably be that one guy who trips over his shoelace and ends up killing himself.

But then I thought again – what if I wasn't wearing shoe-laces? What would be the best way to win the Hunger Games?

You will need a special skill, something that defines you, like your ability to use a bow or growl in a menacing way. This is how the sponsors will identify you – because there are, indeed, sponsors who drop supplies from the sky, probably in an attempt to give you a head concussion and get the whole thing over and done with quicker. If you’re boring and hide in a tree for three weeks you’ll probably get a bag of bricks landing on your head. Being likable is just as important as killing the kids, wow that sounds slightly disturbing.

You can also make sponsors like you more by having an amusing quirk, like:

-          Break into song whenever you kill someone

-          Get naked, because the Capitol likes your sexy ass

-          Sit in the corner of the arena, crying and eating ice-cream

-          Get a black marker and draw yourself a six-pack to wow the ladies over, by rubbing yourself in oil and lifting weights in front of the cameras

As soon as you enter the arena you will be faced with a choice – do you run to the nearby “Cornucopia” (basically a structure housing supplies) or run like hell and get away from the other kids, who are fully qualified ninjas? Your decision really depends on how confident and ninjary (I just invented a word) everybody else is.

 If you notice everybody else is a scrawny five year old who is crying and sucking their thumb, and there is a distinct lack of tall hooded gentlemen carrying samurai swords, then go to the bloody Cornucopia because nobody else will. You’ll have all the supplies to yourself and there’s probably like, tanks and fighter jets in there. (If you find any nuclear bombs just remember you aren't going to detonate that and also survive.)

Finding an ally is going to help a lot. Try and be the kind of guy that smiles and nods at their friend across the room when the teacher announces you have to find a partner for a group project. It’ll really be the same here, and since your ally is your friend there’s the added benefit of knowing they’re not secretly a murderous psychopath who going’s to cut you open and feast on your organs. Don’t get too comfy with their presence though – soon enough, it will be time to kill them. Don’t let them get to you first though – keep your relationship strong by saying “Oh, we’re such good friends” every five minutes and maybe even ask if they want to go the cinema when this is all over.

So yes, about killing. I’m going to avoid going into too much detail in this to avoid looking like a homicidal maniac, but if you’re planning on surviving chances are murder will be on the agenda at some point. You could go full on Hunger Games style and totally just drop a  killer bees nest on your opponent and hope the bees don’t attack that guy who just destroyed their home. Although I recommend not being a complete idiot and adopting a different strategy:

- Maybe if the sponsors like you enough they’ll drop a piano on your opponent’s head.

- If you’re attempting to kill your ally, ‘accidentally’ trip and stab them in the back. Then wink at the camera and say, “Well, that escalated quickly.” You will be loved.

- Point at some (poisonous) berries and tell your ally they look very tasty.

- If you’re a girl, just flirt with all the boys and promise them a good time if they bring you food, water, and dead corpses.

- MANDATORY JUSTIN BIEBER JOKE – Just sing a Justin Bieber song and everyone will kill themselves. (sorry)

So for the sake of simplicity I’ll assume when the first night rolls around any allies you had are now dead and in ditches. (And you should have taken their stuff too because FREE FOOD.) Your best chance of sleep (I wouldn’t count on getting your eight hours though) is to crawl up a tree and die rest safely. Avoid smoky fires which are basically an advertisement of your whereabouts. Go to bed well fed – you’re in for a long night, because those monsters you thought were under your bed as a kid are totally real this time, and they have spears, bows, and a burning desire for free food.

How would you win the Hunger Games?

2 Response to "14) How to win the Hunger Games (part 1) "

  1. Karissa says:
    18 July 2013 at 17:23

    Win the Capitol over by looking super happy whenever you kill someone. They'll probably think you're a psychopath without a conscience who definitely has a ruthless chance at survival. Also, you could sing "I'm Sexy and I know it" to show your confidence!

  2. Callum Puttock says:
    19 July 2013 at 10:11

    Haha, awesome ideas!

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