6) How to take a date to the cinema/ movie theater

Note – This tip is written mainly for males, under the assumption you’ll (probably) be the one asking the girl on the date.

A)     Book a seat before you saunter in there and are promptly informed they’re all full up. Your date will not be particularly aroused if they have to walk home in the rain after a four-minute date.

Choose the movie wisely. A horror film is a good bet – that way you’ll probably end up in each other’s arms for comfort and you can bond over having to buy new underwear afterwards.

However, you’ll likely end up going for the rather over-done romantic comedy anyway. (Probably starring Adam Sandler.) This is understandable – by combining romance and comedy by the end of your film your date is probably in both a giggly and flirtatious mood. And you can talk during these films without anyone caring much because, well, it’s not as if the plot is particularly hard to follow.

You’ll want to consult your date about the film you watch, though – if they faint at the sight of blood you won’t want to watch the latest Saw film. If you take them to a film where every character is naked for the entire two hours, then they’re going to think you’re a pervert. Got your eye on an animated film? If it isn't made by Pixar, then it isn't worth watching.

B)      Another advantage of already having the tickets before you go is you won’t have to queue up to buy them on the day, avoiding any awkward silences in the queue. You don’t want to panic during a silence and start talking about the close relationship you share with your pet rock just so you’re saying something.

And really, you should buy them a ticket. If you walk into the cinema with your own ticket and announce they should probably buy theirs because the movie starts in two minutes, and oh look the queue for the tickets is massive ha ha have fun loser, then you might get slapped, possibly with a fish. Don’t make the ticket buying a big deal though – like saying:

“Hey, I know you come from a poor family because you only have one TV and my family has four. Don’t feel bad though, I like poor girls! That’s why I went to the trouble of buying you a ticket! Yeah I know, I’m just the best aren't I.”

You may be slapped with a larger fish for saying this.

C)      Dress to impress! But as with the restaurant date, nudity may attract the wrong kind of attention. (Like the police and the mental health clinic.) A nice shirt (preferably purple, because I like purple) and a nice pair of trousers should be sufficient. Leave any large hats at home unless you want the person sitting behind you to set fire to it.

D)     Try and arrive at the cinema at least five minutes early so you look like you actually care. If your date hasn't yet arrived, amuse yourself by picking your nose shouting abuse at strangers pretending to be a slug crying in a corner writing hate mail to your date oh just sit still and wait patiently.

If your date doesn't arrive on time do not scream “OMG WHY ARE YOU LATE I BET IT’S COS YOU’RE FAT YOU UGLY *****.” That pretty much makes you a terrible person.

Instead, don’t even mention their tardiness – instead simply greet them and, if you know them well enough and they aren't your pet guinea pig, a kiss is acceptable.

E)      You may want to buy some food to take into the cinema. A bucket of popcorn is good because you can share it, rather than taking in individual food supplies. However, popcorn is only really tasty if you’re eating several pieces at a time but this makes you look like a pig who has only recently found a human body to inhabit. Anything minty is also great if you plan to be saliva-sharing as it will freshen up your breath.

F)      Go to the bathroom before the movie starts. Your date will hate you forever if you leave her halfway through the film while the creepy old man two rows back keeps moving slightly closer every time she looks away.

G)     If the adverts are still running when you enter the cinema, you can bond over your agreement that those things run on for far too long.

H)     If, during the film, your date shows no interest in body contact don’t pressure her. Your body language, however, can be a subtle indication that you’re interested. And hers can be a give-away as well!

Good’ body language:
-         Leaning into each other slightly
-        Making eye contact and hold it for slightly longer than normal (However this cannot be considered ‘good’ body language is you both look disgusted.)
-         If she is particularly attracted to you she will unconsciously mirror your body language. So you can test it out. If she eats a bit of popcorn when you do, then WOAH MARRY HER.
-         If she raises the arm-rest, therefore removing the only barrier between you and her then, well, I can be your best man, right?

‘Bad’ body language:

-          She moves away when you get closer. Oh dear.
-          If she keeps checking her phone, this could be a sign her mind is elsewhere or she may be playing Angry Birds to try and forgot that you exist. Even worse, she could be updating her Facebook status to:
“OMG! Havin the worst day evr FML! If I wnted 2 watch Finding Nemo I wud have gon with my lil sis! & this guy is complete creep. He keeps picking his nose & wiping it on my face wtf. & a moment ago he looked at my chest and asked if they were real!?!”
-         Your date looks at you at the end of the film and starts crying
-          Your date gets up during the film “to go to the toilet” and doesn't come back

I)        At some point during the film, your date may attempt to take your hand (or vice-versa, whatever.) However – DO NOT attempt hand-holding if your hands are sweaty. Unless your sweat smells like strawberries, your date may not appreciate it. Instead, you’ll have to rather sneakily dispose of your sweat before hand-holding is initiated.

You may choose to do this by wiping it on your trousers, force-feeding it to the person sitting behind you or wiping it onto your dates face when she isn't looking. As long as your hand is nice and dry when your date grabs it, then you can pat yourself on the shoulder – you've doing mediocre, at the very least. You should have a relatively tight grip, just don’t crush her hand or anything. (Although this would display your awesome strength.)

You could consider whispering something cute in her ear when hand-holding is initiated, like “Mmm, your hands are so smooth and slender and white. Just like my ex’s!”

Okay, maybe not. On the subject of bad things to say, here are a few more which are especially terrible on first dates:

-           “You’re one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen! Like, at least in the top 100!”

-          “I have some crazy stories from my second time in jail. Like, you might leave me if I ever told you.”

-          “Add me on MySpace!”

-          “*laughs* How’d THAT fall out my pants?”

-          “I usually only date attractive girls, but I decided to lower my standards a bit.”

-          “So then I said, psychopathic tendencies or not, I’m not taking any more of your damn medication!”

-          “Ah! I just figured it out! You look a lot like my sister!”

-          “You mind if I record this?”

-          “The voices are telling me to stay away from you. DANGER DANGER”

-          “How much do you make in a year?”

-          “I hope you don’t mind my cat being here. We find it very difficult being separated.”


J)       After the film if you haven’t drifted into a never-ending slumber or been strangled to death by your date you may want to briefly discuss the film to convince her you haven’t simply mastered the art of sleeping with your eyes open.  Any large hats can now return to the top of your head. And if your entire date was imaginary you may now commence crying in a corner.

So you’re pretty much a movie date expert now. And here’s a question that maybe somebody will answer:

What is the worst movie you have ever seen? 

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