5) How to take a date to a fancy restaurant

A)     First, before we visit our fancy establishment, you must decide on your clothing for the occasion. If you are a male hoping to impress the lady of your dreams, going naked may seem like an obvious choice; however it is important to note this does not follow ‘normal’ restaurant etiquette. Instead, consider a mankini.  Just dress casually and don't go overboard. Don’t wear your trousers too low, you don’t want them falling down and your lady friend leaving you forever/getting overly excited.

If you’re a female, well, you aren't going to listen to a teenage boys opinion on your dress choice are you.

B)      Once arriving at the restaurant, you will need to choose a place to sit with your soul mate/mother/relative/imaginary friend/pet rock/ mole rat. If the waiter or waitress tries to pick a table for you must kindly request that you are allowed to choose yourself. You should stay clear of any tables near large ovens as the heat will make you sweat and possibly give your date/pet the wrong idea. Also try and steer clear of crying babies and creepy old men who watch you eat. A table next to a window is preferable – that way if the conversation dries up you can stare out of the window with a thoughtful expression on your face and pretend to be in deep contemplation.

C)      Now, sit down. There will be a large napkin/cloth on your plate. What a convenient place to blow your nose! No, wait! Keep your mucus inside of you for now; that napkin should go on your lap and stay there. (Well, except if you get up to go to the bathroom/run away crying. Remember to put the napkin back on the table at this point, else it may fall to the floor when you stand up, resulting in you embarrassingly leaning over to pick it up, tripping over your shoe-lace, getting a head concussion and then having to be rushed to be hospital. Your date will be frankly unimpressed.)

D)     The waiter/waitress should soon arrive so you can order drinks and your meal. At this point it will be useful if you didn’t spend the prior 12 hours binge-eating bread-sticks and sausage rolls. You will have to eat three courses, since this is a fancy restaurant.  Order something light for the starter – there is nothing worse (okay, there is) than gobbling down a large starter to now find the thought of another two courses makes your body want to immediately abort the entire contents of your stomach. (Well, that’s a nice way of saying puke.)

In terms of the main course, go CRAZY(!) – but not too crazy. You can a little bit adventurous but if you find you have ordered a plate of something you cannot shovel down without giving up on life, you have made a terrible mistake. Stick to this general rule – if you cannot pronounce what you are ordering, then STAY AWAY. If you’re eating in a foreign country and the writing on the menu makes your head spin, then you’re pretty screwed unfortunately. You may have to resort to simply pointing to a random item on the menu and screaming “That one!” like an infant who has just made their selection in a sweet shop. Or why not try and impress your date with your fantastic knowledge of world language by asking them to decipher this menu for you please.

There’s a good chance you’ll be ordering the dessert after the main course (so the people who ordered a disgusting main course can leave early to collapse and die, I presume) but I’ll cover it here anyway. Don’t worry too much about this one – just don’t order anything too extravagant. If an eighteen inch twelve story chocolate fudge and vanilla cake with chocolate butter-cream filling and caramel sauce arrives on your table, what you’re really saying to your date is “Hey, you can see me for a few more years and then I’ll die young of morbid obesity!"

E)      Once you've ordered your food it will now be the time for either awkward small talk or comfortable chatting, depending on how well you know and like each other. (Or if you've brought your pet you can watch them lick themselves and poop on the chair). Try and stay away from the following topics If you want your date to actually stay the whole evening:
-          How terribly wrong their political views are
-          The ridiculous number of times you farted yesterday
-          Anything that begins with “We need to talk.” (Unless you’re talking about adopting a turtle. That would be awesome.)
-          Anything about religion
-          How fat they are

You should mention how much you’re enjoying your meal at least three times (one for each course). If your date agrees that the food is good, then wow look, you've got something in common. You can thank me later.

F)      When the starter arrives, you may suddenly notice the abundance of silverware on your table. So you've got a problem – which knife and fork do you use for the starter? But I've got the solution – work your way inward, using the cutlery furthest away from the plate first. Or wait, was it the other way round…?
Okay, just use the smallest knife and fork for the starter. If you get this the wrong way round just sneakily swap your cutlery with your dates so it looks like they messed up. Hehe. (Forever alone?)
If you’re eating soup for your starter, remember to dip your spoon in the bowl and then remove it by moving it away from you rather than toward. Or wait, was it the other way round…?
Okay, just looked it up, it’s definitely away from your body. Try and sip the soup slowly off the bowl of the spoon (you know, the curvy bit) rather than sticking it all in your mouth, like you’re about to suck the whole spoon into your stomach never to be seen again. AND DON’T SLURP.

G)     If you have to go to the bathroom to throw up/cry yourself to sleep/climb out of the window/pick chicken out of your teeth then you should probably do so quickly because that creepy old man I mentioned earlier is still staring at your date eating.

H)     Once you’ve finished your meal you now begin the next stage of your quest to impress your date and possibly even have a mildly enjoyable time – flagging down the waiter. This may take a while but you must have patience – if you get angry you’ll probably either leave without paying which is a criminal offence or throw something sharp at the waiter which, well, might be murder. You might as well treat the waiter with respect – it’s a little late for them to be spitting in your food but they might sigh in a disappointed way if you don’t give them a 200% tip which will make you feel sad and sorry. (Nobody likes feeling sad and sorry.)

Try and catch the eye of the waiter and raise your eyebrows as if to say, “Hmm, yes, look at me raising my eyebrows. Why? Well, I’m just mysterious like that. Why don’t you come over and find out why my eyebrows are raised, hmm?” Once they arrive you can throw up on them    feed them to your mole rat   politely ask for the bill. Oh by the way, if the menu didn't have any prices on it then, well, you might have to sell your clothes to get out of there alive. Consider subtly suggesting your date pays for (at least) half the meal, such as by saying “You know what I really like to see in a woman? You know what makes me feel all warm and tingly inside? You know what really makes me GROAN in pleasure? When you pay for your own meal.”

I)        And don’t forget to tip the waiter! Give them whatever you think they deserve, although you may want to cut their tip slightly if they steal your date or murder your family.

J)       And now we come to the end of the evening. You may want to wait until after you leave the restaurant before you talk about how loud that family two tables along were and how creepy that old man was. At this point, a goodnight kiss is possible. If the food was particularly terrible you may want to resist as you may puke into your date’s mouth and that would be pretty disgusting. However if the food was at least sub-standard and you have both come to a formal written agreement that sharing vomit is icky, feel free to move in for the kiss. Just keep in mind you were hallucinating the whole evening. You’re currently kissing your smelly pet dog, who washes his whole body with that tongue which is now wrapped around yours. Have fun.

Question that maybe somebody will answer : Ever had a terrible date? What happened? Did you mistake the women of your dreams for your pet dog again? 

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