Unhelpful Teen

2)      I quite literally have a pet rock, who is currently sitting on my desk. His name is Barney.

3)      I also have a pet cactus called Dave.

4)      I’m not crazy, I promise.

5)      Did you know that Scotland is the only country in the world where Coca-Cola is not the number one most sold soft drink? It’s because we’re all obsessed with Irn-Bru. (This is basically a fact about myself.)

6)      I have a chest condition called “Pectus excavatum”. It is essentially a large hole/hollow in my chest used as a slightly unusual party trick or to carry liquids in as an alternative to a mug or glass. (Okay, no, I don’t really do this. But if society would be more accepting it could be really quite handy.) By the way, I've called it the White Hole. Because it reminds me of a black hole and because

   7)   I’m white.

   8)   I have an extremely broad music taste and can get into pretty much any genre.

   9)   I like turtles.

10)   Writing this list makes me realise I’m not a very interesting person.

B)      Ride a llama to your classes.

C)      Have a pool party, in the lunch hall.

D)     Make the school’s fire alarm your ringtone.

E)      Realise your life long goal of becoming a nudist.

F)      Play “connect the dots” with your teacher’s freckles.

G)     Ask to be expelled.

H)     Display an interest in your headmistress’s menstrual cycle.

I)        Claim that you know they’re on their period because you can smell it.

J)        Inject liquid faeces into your teacher’s lunch.

IMAGE REDACTED

K)      Impregnate every female teacher.

L)       Tell the head teacher that their skin would make an excellent coat.

M)   Impregnate every male teacher.

N)     Bring a homeless person in for “Show and Tell.”

O)     Hit on your headmistress.

P)      Moan in the girl’s bathroom on the 3^rd floor.

Q)     Lead cows upstairs.

R)      Add laxatives to the milk.

S)      Spread a rumor that you are an illegal immigrant.

T)      Tease your depute head-teacher/principal for not getting the top job.

U)     Sing “Stupid Hoe” to your teacher. (You may even get arrested for singing a Nicki Minaj song.)

V)     Whenever your teacher tries to talk to you scream “Are you calling me fat?!”

W)   Rub yourself in vaseline, sit in the corner and pretend to be a slug.

Your new Facebook profile picture (source)

X)      Roll down the corridor, claiming to be a magical fairy from Venus.

Y)      If (for some reason) you are friends with your head-teacher/principal on Facebook, send them a Farmville request.

Z)      Write erotic stories about the (possibly made-up) love life of two teachers. Sell these stories to fellow students for extra points here. Extra bonus points for destroying your teacher's marriage with your stories which distressed his wife so much she immediately left, taking his two young children with her to go and live in Mexico where she could send him divorce papers and liquid faeces, leaving your ex-teacher (who had to quit his job due to the scandal) to realise his life is crumbling around him and he'll never see his kids again and his wife hates him and his dog died and he's over qualified for McDonald's and his dog came back to life and died again and his goldfish went to jail for dealing drugs and PLUTO ISN'T A PLANET and...

Moral of the story - Don't write erotic stories. 

       B)      Keep your lie simple as over-complicating it will give it away. Avoid, for instance:

“COME QUICKLY! The Pringles tube, which was to my knowledge full before this catastrophic occurrence, has been abducted by aliens! Luckily as it was being beamed up I managed to hang onto the tube – what can I say, I’m a ninja – and was pulled upwards through the sky into an alien spaceship like that one from Independence Day. There I greeted by a vile and disgusting creature which I won’t describe. No, not because I’m not creative enough, but because I was TEMPORARILY BLINDED by the alien’s flashing eyes. I was initially worried that the alien was going to attempt to mate with me as my new haircut just makes me look adorable, don’t you think? Luckily for me little alien babies were kept in the deep, slightly disturbing depths of my imagination as the alien, who conveniently spoke good English, shook my hand, took the Pringles and thanked me for the tasty treat. By the way, his name was Ted; he had a name badge. I was then beamed back down to Earth without the Pringles and in desperate need of a psychiatrist!

Instead, try:

“The dog did it.”

      C)      Also avoid the following:

·         Darting your eyes around the room

·         Crying

·         Jumping out of the window

·         Attempting to kill the witness

B)      Note any suspicious behavior. Before gathering equipment, you must realise that the apocalypse has begun. If you see someone limping down the street mumbling about brains assume this is NOT a friendly protest/mating call but instead a FREAKING ZOMBIE OMG RUN. (This situation can become awkward if it just turns out to just be an old guy with a hangover or something.)

C)     If you live in an urban area, then WOAH get out of there – the busier the area was, the more zombies there will now be wandering the streets. Do not try and drive unless you want to get stuck in the most intense traffic jam ever. You could try and swim away, because I’m pretty sure zombies can’t swim without their limbs falling off. Although when you really think about it, zombies are too stupid to even get up a ladder, so you can just climb one and start a new civilization. If you happen to have a tree house, this will become a sanctuary for humanity.  Get a nice mix of men and woman in there and let the breeding begin.

D)     Sorry, that got a little weird. Once you’re out of a busy area, you’ll want to gather some supplies. You might want to drop into a supermarket (cough, cough) to get some tinned food, long sleeved jumpers and, well, you might as well take anything you want. Supplies you definitely need include:

-          Some sort of weapon. Whether this is a gun, an axe or your neighbors severed arm, just make sure it can actually function as a weapon.

-          Gun suppressor (I bet so many deaths in zombie films would be prevented if people just silenced their god damn guns.)

-          A helmet (Aha, you can’t eat my brains if they’re protected!)

-          Duct tape (Because duct tape fixes everything.)

-          Binoculars (Because seeing is pretty important.)

-          Toothbrush (A zombie apocalypse is no excuse for tooth decay.)

-          While we’re on the subject of supplies, consider stopping at a museum and getting a head to toe suit of armor. You’ll be like Iron Man, only less awesome and more sweaty.

E)      If you’re travelling with a group, make sure everybody else is incredibly fat or just slow at running. I think you know what I mean by this.

I couldn't find a relevant picture for this, so here's a slow loris. Close enough?

F)      You’ll probably have to kill zombies at some point. Aim for the head, although try and resist screaming, “yes headshot 360 no scope camper noob I did your mother” after every decapitation. Not only will your screaming attract more zombies, you’ll probably be disowned by your family for being an annoying Call of Duty player. If video games have taught me anything about zombies it’s that you should be extra careful around the fast ones – because apparently they’re perfectly capable of Usain Bolting’ towards you but a ladder is a fricking mystery.

G)     If you’re a woman with high heels (or a man – I won’t judge) take those pointy death traps off. You’ll be doing a lot of running in the zombie apocalypse and you totally just can’t do that well in high heels. You’ll probably end up falling over, and if you’re particularly unlucky right on top of a zombie, which could either be the start of an adult movie or mean CERTAIN DEATH.

This sign exists only to protect you against zombies. Duh. (source)

H)     A not very well known fact (probably because zombies aren't actually real) is that the undead will freeze in cold conditions, which is why moving to a particularly cold region (Antarctica anyone?) might be a good idea. If you build a tree house in Antarctica you can probably lead a perfectly happy existence without ever seeing another zombie.