27) How to get rich quick

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      A)     Sell a kidney.

      B)      Sell both kidneys.

      C)      Sell your penis. If you are female, pick that one guy friend that, although you consider him to be a ‘friend’, you realise you don’t actually like, and sell his penis.

Note – To sell your/a penis, cutting it off will of course be required. Although this sounds like a rather daunting task, Unhelpful Teen is of course here to help. So, reader, there are several ways to accomplish your penis-cutting task. First of all, ensure you take a legit anesthetic to ease the horrendous, crippling, hellish pain such as vodka and coke. Due to the vodka and coke’s amazing potential as an anesthetic, it was been scientifically proven that a house party is the best place to chop your dick off. However, it is worth noting that if the vodka is mixed with any soft drink other than coke, your dick, when chopped off, will evolve into a snake and swallow your testicles, before slithering away and emigrating to Australia. I should know, my dick regularly sends me postcards and recently visited the Sydney Opera House.

But now that I've managed to plug Coke into this article and received my £50,000 from the Coco-Cola Company (thanks, lads!) it’s time to move swiftly on to how you’re actually going to chop your/a dick off. The most effective methods, in no particular order, are falling over and landing crotch first on a pair of scissors, streaking in a scissors factory, getting molested by Edward Scissorhands, playing with scissors, running with scissors, masturbating with scissors, and doing f*cking anything with scissors. Also dipping your dick into acid would probably work too.

       D)     Get paid by a large business, such as the Coca-Cola Company, to promote their products on the internet.

       E)      Steal and sell a juicer, because nobody will notice that it’s gone.

       F)      Sue yourself.

       G)     Write a book about how to get rich quick. Don’t worry, you can use this list in your book, I won’t sue you.

       H)     Sue others for plagiarism.

        I)        Get addicted to gambling. #yolo

        J)       Sell your cow for three magic beans. Then slap yourself for being a knob.

       K)      Break bad, cook some crystal meth.

       L)       Hey, I heard you can make money from blogging. But how popular does your blog need to be, you ask? Rough estimates place the figure at approximately 100000000000x more popular than Unhelpful Teen. (but hey, it’s not all bad. At the time of writing, and probably for a long time to come, Unhelpful Teen has 11 followers. If we all stood in an elevator it would be packed. So there’s that.)

      M)   You could always sue a tobacco company and win $23.6 billion in damages…

      N)     Sell your parents, because who needs those assholes.

      O)     Sue your parents, because apparently you ‘can’t sell them’ and you’re an ‘ungrateful bastard’. Pfft. Whatever.

      P)      Go all Slumdog Millionaire on us.

      Q)     Become a supervillain and make people pay you to stop your acts of evilness. But what sort of acts of evilness do I have in mind, I hear you ask. Well first of all, stop asking questions because I’m already exhausted and we’re only at Q. But just because I’m a straight up good guy, I’ll give you a few examples. Keep in mind though, I will sue you if you use any of these. 

      Some examples are:  inventing a new vegetable, changing the Internet Explorer icon on your family computer to Chrome, chewing on other people’s pens, paying for your meals out with pennies, tying jingle bells to your clothes and shoes, accusing everybody of being gay when they clearly aren't, accusing your friends of selling meth while standing next to a policeman/woman and not finishing your sent

      R)      Girls, you could always just use your status as a woman on the internet to your advantage. Get really close with some dude you met in a chatroom. Talk to him for a couple of months, tell him you love him, have phone sex, whatever. By the end of this ordeal if you need money to buy crap, just ask him and I’m 69% sure he will give you the money. Even if you aren't a girl, you could always just pretend. Haven’t you ever seen the TV show ‘Catfish’? You can fool a lot of people over the internet just with your use of language, for instance:

Normal Person: I am currently reading Unhelpful Teen. It is very amusing. I should became a follower. Giraffes are my fourth favourite animal.

Txt Spk Teen: readin unhpful teen. vry amusing. Shld become follower. Giraffes r my 4th fav animal.

Did-you-ever-go-to-school-or-were-you-just-dropped-on-your-head-as-a-child Person: i am curantly reedIng unhellful ten. Itt is verry emusinng. i shud beecum A folleye’r. gerafes err my foureth favrite aneMall!!!!!1

Look-Guys-I-Can-Use-A-Thesaurus Person: Presently, I am scrutinising Discourteous Adolescent. It is profoundly jocular. Yours truly is compelled to metamorphose into an advocate. Hoofed animals with elongated napes are my fourth most revered beast.

Permanently-On-Period Person: I AM CURRENTLY READING UNHELPFUL TEEN. I F------ HATE IT.

So-Immature-They’re-Probably-Still-In-The-Womb Person: I AM CuRReNtlY reAdInG UnHeLpfUL TeEN LOL!!!1 @@@@@@@@@@@ poo!!!!111 %*(£$&%*( @@@

Has-No-Idea-What-They’re-Doing Person: Microwaves are my favourite flavour of African monkey.

Definitely-A-Real-Person  Bot: I am currently reading Unhelpful Teen. For more unhelpful youngsters, visit www.virusesforgullibepeople.com

Stalker: I am currently reading Unhelpful Teen. It is very amusing. Almost as amusing as the view into your bedroom window last night. *wink*

90%-Of-14-Year-Old-Girls: JUUUUSSSSSTTTTIIIIINNNN BBBBIIIIEEEEEBBBBBBBEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      S)      You could go gold-digging. By this I mean you could marry somebody rich and inherit some of their cash. However the process of getting somebody to like you enough to marry you can be long and difficult. Often guys fall at one of the first hurdles - impressing a girl enough to go on a first date. But never fear, like a doctor or erection, Unhelpful Teen is once again here to help. There are numerous ways to impress a girl, and it feels weird talking about this considering my audience is 99.9% female. But I’m talking to the 0.1% now – here’s some tips on how to impress woman.

You could, for example, use super long words to impress her, like ‘whore.’ At 5 letters, that’s a pretty long word. If we were playing Scrabble, I would probably be winning the game. And remember – if she asks you if you think she’s fat, say yes. She will be impressed by your honesty. But you must never, ever hold her hand for extended periods of time. This has been proven to cause arthritis, hair loss and eventual infertility. (And not the soppy kind of infertility either – this is the MANLY way to become infertile, where your penis, unable to cope with the pressure of a woman holding your hand, will explode.) If she does take your hand, show off by squeezing it so hard she either bursts into tears or her hand falls off. Take it from me – ripping girl’s limbs off is the best way to display your Chuck Norris style manliness.

      T)      You could win the lottery. Interestingly enough, a four-year long University of Cambridge study, which concluded and was published in 2011, mathematically proved (using lots of complicated algebra and formulae) that winning the lottery is slightly more likely than Unhelpful Teen ever having more than 11 followers.

      U)     Become a football/soccer player, and fake an injury every game so you don’t ever actually have to play and show the world what a poor player you are.

      V)     Get people to pay you to perform David Blaine style acts of human versatility, such as being locked in a glass cube and not eating for a week. Or, maybe start simpler – you could try to not laugh in funny situations, such as watching a cat run into a glass door on television.

Speaking of laughing, where do you reckon the worst places to laugh are? At a funeral? Maths class? Mental status examination? While being circumcised? While snorting fire ants? During Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech? While looking at somebody’s face? During the National Anthem? After you realise the Matrix is real and your whole life has been an illusion? When your parents finally tell you how babies are made? While donating your kidneys to fuel your cocaine addiction? After your entire family has been eaten by a giant carnivorous squirrel?

      W)   Get a job, asshole.

      X)      Hey did you know, I was recently rejected for a job at McDonald’s because ‘the shift pattern didn’t fit in with my requirement’ (or something to that effect). I’m taking that to mean that I’m over-qualified (right? Right? RIGHT?). Well, screw you McDonald’s. I’m lovin’ it. I’M LOVIN NOT WORKIN’ FOR YOU.

      Y)      If all else fails, you could always write  a successful novel and become a world famous author. I personally have an excellent idea for a future novel, which will be called ‘Train of Thought’. It will be about the stream of consciousness (or train of thought) which goes through my mind (and others, such as animals) while doing various things. Because I’m a straight-up good guy, here’s a short extract which I’ve been working on for a few months now (I definitely didn’t just write it now):

      Revising for exams
“Uhhhhhhhhhhh I’m hungry. Wonder what’s in the fridge.”
Lying in bed at night
“I don’t need to pee… I don’t need to pee… I don’t need to pee…. I need to pee.”
Waking up in the morning
“MY EYES! MY EYES! MY EYYYYYEEEESSSSS!”
Being a dog
“Walkies! Walkies! Walkies! Walkies! Sausages! Walkies! Walkies!”
Being a cat
“F*ck people.”

I think I’m on to a hit with this novel.

       Z)      And if you really can’t make money and get rich quick, remember:  money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and that’s pretty much the same thing.

h    Leave a comment please! The more comments I get, the more I feed my pet rock, Barney. And he's a hungry little guy.


Thanks Karissa for the Sunshine award, appreciate it! I’ll have your questions answered shortly (hopefully). 

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26) How to screw up a job interview



I've finished my exams and am looking for a job. Anybody hiring? Here’s the worst things to say in a job interview.
      
      A)     I want this job because I need money.

      B)      What’s a Microsoft Word?

      C)      My work ethic is so high, it’s basically Asian.

      D)     Did you just touch my crotch under the table? You sneaky devil, you. 

      E)      Can I just say, I love the fact that you’re black. In fact, I love all the black people. Like, I just don’t get          racism, you know? Why should those stinky whites discriminate against you people? In fact, I hate the          whites and I love the blacks. Not love in a gay way of course. Ha! Gay people are gross.

     F)      How many young women work here?

     G)     Wanna buy some cocaine?

     H)     You’re cute *winks*

      I)        Who’s the babe in the photo frame? Your wife? ……. She home right now?

      J)       I hope this doesn't affect my chances of getting the job, but I have a severe porn addiction and have a           bad habit of pulling my dick out in public and jerking it off in people’s faces.

     K)      I’m not getting out of this chair until you hire me.

      L)       Can I brush your hair? Please? Pretty please?

     M)   I love lamp.

      N)     It’s not that I prefer to work independently, it’s just that I f*cking hate people.

     O)     Didn't I molest you when you were five?

      P)      Meet my pet rock, Barney.

      Q)     One of my main strengths is my ability to fit my whole dick into your ear.

      R)      Why do you have a typewriter connected to your television?

      S)      Where I come from, that kind of question can get you shot.

      T)      You’re not going to hire me? Why don’t you come down to my dungeon and we can talk about this              some more?

     U)     You see this? It’s a dick piercing. Get used to it.

      V)     So, tell me… how many secretaries have you had sex with on this desk?

      W)   If you draw the curtains I can show you the one special skill I have that I didn’t mention on my CV ;)

       X)      You know, my CV could have been even better, but I grow tired of bullshitting, you know?

       Y)      Yes I have great leadership skills, I am the leader of a highly respected World of Warcraft clan.

        Z)      My anus is leaking.

leave a comment or i'll be sad

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25) How to write a cv

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a cv

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24) How to answer the phone

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           A)     “Room service!”

           B)      “Is.. is this a secure line?”

           C)      “I thought I told you to never call me on this number.”

           D)     “Dominos, may I take your order?”

           E)      “Road Kill Café. You kill ‘em, we grill ‘em.

           F)      “Go ahead, caller. You’re on the air!”

          G)     “Do you want to play a game?”

          H)     “I’m impressed, Detective, that you've made it this far. Now, I've rigged your office with several tonnes of plastic explosives. You have two minutes.”

          I)        “Adolf Hitler speaking.”

          J)       “IT BURNS! IT BURNS! IT BUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNSSSSS!

         K)      “Grim Reaper here. Hold on, I’ll be right with you.”

         L)       “Moe’s Tavern…”

        M)    Square root of 78, please.

        N)     “There’s nobody home.”

       O)     “Hello, Batman’s house! Oh, umm, I meant Wayne Manor.

       P)      “You will die in seven days………. Until then, would you like to buy cable TV?”

      Q)     “Bob’s Sperm Bank. You wack it, we pack it.”

       R)      “This is the department of Foreign Affairs. Have you had an affair with a foreigner recently?”

       S)      “HELLO!” (shout at the top of your lungs)

       T)      “For the last time, I do not want to have sex with a duck.”

       U)     “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite colour?”

       V)     “Phone tag, YOU’RE IT!”

      W)   “Sam’s Orphanage. You make em’, we take em’!

       X)      “Where will you be when diarrhea hits?

      Y)      “What’s your favorite scary movie?”


      Z)      “Procrastinators Anonymous, leave a message and we’ll call back eventually.”

          Become a follower of Unhelpful Teen, and you'll be my best friend-that-I've-never-met!

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23) How to wake somebody up

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        A) Sit on their face.

B) Fart on their face.

C) S**t on their face.

D) Ejaculate on their face.

E) Hire an orchestra to play in their bedroom.

F) Tie a finish line around their door, and shout "Go!" as you fire a starter pistol. (Pro tip - do not aim the pistol at them.) 

G) Get into bed with them and start nibbling on their ear.

H) Scream "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" in their face.

I) Duct tape ten alarm clocks to the ceiling, all going off at the same time, and set to play Miley Cyrus's "We Can't Stop."

J) Sandpaper their face.

K) Hire a fat guy to lie on top of them. 

L) Shine a bright light in their face and scream, "TRAIN!"

M) Become their mattress. 

N) Murder their family with a meat cleaver, then leave it in their hand. Wake them up by screaming, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?"

O) Put a crab on their face.

P) Taser them.

Q) Take their clothes off and move them so they wake up in your bed, with you stroking your face.

R) Attempt to flip the mattress off the bed. (a.k.a strength test)

S) Set them on fire using several bottles of gasoline and a lighter. If they still aren't moving after several minutes of this, and most of their face has melted away, then unfortunately they are dead. And it might be all your fault.

T) If the sleepyhead is your pregnant wife, tell her if she doesn't get up within 5 minutes you're taking her to the abortion clinic.

U) Spray them with a fire extinguisher. This could be combined with S) if your sleeping partner/friend is starting to smell like melting human.

V) If you are female and your target is your male partner, wake them up in the middle of the night with a pair of scissors at their testicles screaming that they've been cheating on you and know all about it. (legal note - affair does not have to be real.) 

W) Inform them that the zombie apocalypse has arrived, by dressing up as an undead and jumping on top of them.

X) Take a selfie with them while they're sleeping, then email it to them. 

Y) Start a chainsaw while standing next to them (they'll wake up at this point) and tell them you're there to "saw their wood."

Z) Wake them up by vigorously shaking them and crying of happiness while saying over and over, "I never thought you would survive the operation..." Then they look down and their legs are gone and are lying in a bloody bag at the end of the bed. Yeah, that's pretty creepy. 

Become a follower of Unhelpful Teen, and win an air guitar!

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22) How to be weird in a public restroom

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(source)
Note – this post is aimed mainly for men, but girls can enjoy suffer through it too!

           A)     Attempt to sell your penis.

         B)      Knock on stall doors. When the person inside opens it, pretend to be a door to door salesman. (selling your penis.)

            C)      Kick in stall doors, with a camera in your hand, while licking your lips, while fondling your nipples.

            D)     Change all rolls of toilet paper into rolls of sand paper.

             E)      Loudly complain to yourself about the size of your penis.

           F)      In a stall, rub melted chocolate around your mouth. Act ashamed when you come out. If anybody tries to talk to you mutter, “Bad habit I know… just… smells so good…”

             G)     Attempt to crawl into an (occupied) stall next to the one you’re in. When the person inside sees you scream, “PEAK-A-BOO!”

             H)     Leave a brick in the toilet.

              I)        Turn the lights in the restroom off while stalls are occupied.

              J)       Pour a bucket of manure over an occupied stall. Say “Oops, I missed.”
   
              K)      Pee on somebody’s leg. Claim that it is raining.

               L)       Call the phone sex line while standing at a urinal.

               M)   Come up behind somebody using a urinal and cover their eyes with toilet paper.

              N)     Hang a sign up on a stall which says “*your name here*’s SuPeR SEcReT sEx DuNGeoN.” Show random people the sign and ask if they would like to join you inside.

             O)     Use a stopwatch to time how long people take in the restroom. Cheer everybody on and give an “Efficient Pooper” medal to anyone who is in and out within 4 minutes.

                P)      Leave a doll and red food colouring in a toilet. Leave the restroom as fast as you can.

                Q)     Dry your penis with a hand dryer.

               R)      For a few minutes watch people washing their hands with an amused look your face. Then say “Ha. Toilets are so mainstream.” Proceed to pee in the sink.

              S)      Perform a random drug test using samples of everybody’s urine. (that you have forced off of them.)

               T)      Brush your teeth, and spit in the sink while somebody is using it to wash their hands. (Try and get some toothpaste on their hands.)

               U)     Pretend to be a lifeguard, and claim you have to follow everybody into the stalls to ensure they don’t fall in.

                 V)     Start a penis measuring service.

               W)   While at a urinal tell the guy next to you that, “This is the best part about being gay.”

               X)      Smear chocolate onto a fork, and then leave it on the back of the toilet.

                Y)      Fill soap dispensers with maple syrup.

                 Z)      Add some excitement to the toilet-going experience by leaving piranhas in the toilets.

Also: 10 of the weirdest things to be overheard saying in a toilet stall!

                  1)      Huh. It isn't usually that colour.

                   2)      Is… is it alive?

                   3)      Haha. It looks like chocolate covered raisins. Doesn't taste like it though.

                   4)      Dammit, my penis fell off again. Really need to get that checked out.

                   5)      These aquariums are just not worth the money.

                   6)      So I think it just inverted and went inside of me. I guess that’s normal.

                    7)      Hello, last night’s dinner!

                     8)      Now how did that get inside of me?

                      9)      Oh man, I missed. I always miss.

                       10)   IT BURNS! IT BURNS! ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

                     
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21) How to order pizza

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          A)     Force the order taker to tell you, in detail, what they are wearing.

         B)      Ask how many kittens were killed in the making of the pizza.

         C)      Attempt to order a slice of pizza.

          D)     Ask to see a menu.

           E)      Attempt to rent a pizza.

          F)      After they start talking, act confused and say “Oh sorry, I meant to call the phone-sex line. Goodbye.”

              G)     Say every word in a different accent.

            H)     Do not use the word “pizza” during the entire conversation. If your order taker uses the word, scream and hang up.

            I)        Ask the order-taker if they are on their period, as they sound particularly angry. (Especially effective when they are male.)

             J)       Put them on hold.

             K)      Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Force them to cheer you up.

              L)       Complain that the last pizza you ordered didn't have any crust on the top.

             M)   When the order taker tells you the price, start crying and hang up.

             N)     Ask for your pizza to be shaken, not stirred.

             O)     Ask if the pizza has had its rabies shot.

           P)      Communicate your preferred toppings through the use of anagrams, to test the order-takers problem-solving skills.

             Q)     At the start of the conversation tell the order taker that you have a competitor on the other line (think Dominos vs. Pizza Hut) and that you will buy from whoever gives you the lowest price.

               R)      Ask if “another pizza” is an appropriate topping.

               S)      Ask them to deliver the pizza under a bridge in any shady area of your neighborhood.

              T)      After you've given the order taker your address, casually mention that this might be the address of your sex dungeon. And that you’re looking forward to their visit.

            U)     Call Dominos pretending to be a drunk Pizza Hut manager. Act as aggressive and intoxicated as anybody surely can over the phone. “Come at me, bro”, “Get back to your own parts” and “I will murder your family” should be expressions used often.

           V)     Tell the order taker that in order to have the honor of taking your order they have to pass a short test. The only question is, “Who invented pizza?”

             W)   When they repeat your order say, “Try again, with a little more feeling this time.”

              X)      Ask the order-taker to sculpt your pizza into the face of Harry Styles.

              Y)      Attempt to order diet water.


              Z)      Ask if the pizza guy could “pick me up some tampons while you’re at it.” (Extra points if you’re a guy.) 

0 comments

20) How to be even weirder in an elevator/lift

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            Read the original post here!


source


       A)     Get into a crowded elevator and say “Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!”

      B)      Clean your gun.

      C)      Make sure the elevator is empty. When somebody gets on, say in a deep voice “Welcome to my sex dungeon. We’re going to have a lot of fun together.”

      D)     Play “I've got your nose” with the other passengers.

      E)      Tell everyone that gets on that you are their long lost brother/sister.

      F)      Look up thoughtfully and say “Hey, is the elevator cable looking a bit rusty to you?”

       G)     Get into a conversation with a fellow passenger about your extraordinary sex life, insisting that all three of your children were conceived in that very lift.

       H)     Call the Psychic Hotline. Ask if they know which floor you’re on.

        I)        Fake an orgasm every time the doors open.

        J)       Slowly read “Green Eggs and Ham” as loud as you can to fellow passengers.

        K)      Ask somebody they floor button they want you to press. When they tell you, say “Is that your final answer?”

       L)       Leave the elevator. Just as the doors are closing scream, “I FORGOT THE BOMB!”

       M)   Put up a wanted poster, with a picture of yourself and the text “WANTED. HORNY RAPIST.”

        N)     Claim the person on the wanted poster is actually a fellow passenger. (Make sure they don’t look like you at all, preferably opposite gender.) Duel them to the death.

         O)     Get on a crowded elevator and say “Don’t worry, rabies isn't contagious.”

       P)      Every so often take a look in your bag and whisper, "Do you have enough air in there?"

       Q)     Ask somebody which rollercoaster they’re going on next.

        R)      Look at a fellow passenger and lick your lips. When they look at you, say, “Dinner’s gonna be real good tonight.”

       S)      Spread North Korean propaganda.

       T)      Dance to the elevator music.

        U)     After a while of staring at a passenger, say “You can’t fool me. That’s a mask.” Attempt to pull their face off.

       V)     Attempt to order pizza with the emergency phone.

      W)   Scream at a fellow passenger, “YOU’RE STEALING ALL MY AIR!” Then collapse and die.

      X)       Pick your nose and remove boogers. Offer them to passengers as a “light snack.”

      Y)      Practice your gangsta rapping skills.

      Z)      Release a cage of doves in the elevator, while screaming “YOU’RE FREE! FREEEEEEEE!”

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